What do I want to be when I'm older?

As my current business contract draws to a close, with the final end date being three months too long, ( I should have left months ago when I first decided I had reached the point of maximum benefit) I am now pondering my next move.

What do I really want to do.

What makes me happy.

What am I good at.

At 49 I have a vast amount of experience but whether it is relevant is another matter entirely.

I can turn my skills ( whatever they are?) to most things but I don't consider myself an expert at anything.

I understand business, project management, leadership, the importance of P&L, overheads and the mechanics of making a business work and the importance of excellent communication but what am I actually qualified to do?

I hate network meetings, in-house business competitions, disorganised people, driven sales, long meetings and bad people management.

I find working for entrepreneurs difficult and wonder if I will ever find one I truly admire.

I do not lay awake at night wanting to pour every moment of every day into one specific project, that will take all my energy, savings and gobble up all my time.

I really like working, it makes me feel valued, it gives me a sense of worth yet I don't see work as the reason for living.

With the children needing me less, life beyond the full-on demands of motherhood are now presenting more questions than answers.

What do I really want to do now that I am all grown up?

You wouldn't believe me, if I told you!

At the end of April we were chasing the idea that we could move house on the 2nd May, there were phone calls, more calls, updates, up to the minute updates, latest updates, and then the news one of the houses in the chain needed to complete some more paperwork that their solicitor had overlooked. Sinking tummies, more waiting, more patience required and more distraction needed.

On Wednesday May 10th a call from the estate agent selling my home. There was positive news, all required paperwork had now been completed, queries answered and a chance that if all solicitors were ready perhaps we could look to exchange at the beginning of the following week. At last the end was in sight, a chance to move forward, out of the stagnated stilted life that had occupied my head and mind for weeks. Then an hour later phone call number two of the day, the person at the bottom of the chain, the person who had kept us all waiting, hanging on and wondering had decided to pull out!

Just like that a chain collapses. Months of form filling, calls, anticipation, payments for required processes, mortgage applications, surveys, searches, removal company visits and in a moment it all tumbles around you.

What are you left with? Hope and trying to maintain a positivity to fill your head that will over-flow into your life to ensure all will be well, in the end. Whenever that may be.

Now I know with absolute certainty why moving house is stressful. You are reliant on the goodwill of others, their word and their actions are not binding but built on trust. Trust of a complete stranger you have never met, who has no connection with you, no action to answer and can hide behind others if they change their mind with no financial recompense. This is why our house buying system in the England is so stressful, time wasting, costly and extremely unsatisfactory.

Money, money, money

It keeps you awake at night, makes you wonder how you can do it, and is a constant reminder of the fragility of life and the balance, when money is a concern.

What if your job leaves you feeling cold, the responsibility of making enough to support yourself and your family constantly niggles at you and the heaviness you carry masts all the fun you want to have?

If you constantly feel like you lunge from one stress to another and with each moment the over-riding worry that makes you question everything, and ask yourself "will it be alright?"

The house move is impending, it really is. With it a solution to some financial burdens. A smaller home, smaller utility bills, less maintenance required and the opportunity to sell a car.
I am just waiting on an exchange date. And it can't come soon enough.

Tip runs have been a regular weekend feature, and a car boot sale too. Bit by bit we are clearing out old, unwanted stuff and getting ready to consolidate our belongings, finances and life.

In the meantime what I thought was an exciting work opportunity earlier in the year has become a rather unsatisfactory situation leaving me with a sinking heart and horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach on a Monday morning. I will deal with job situation once I have moved. One action, followed by a reaction. I can only deal with one event at a time. This is something I have learned over the recent years.

I am searching for that happy status quo that I think the house move may bring. I was building a reasonable communicative relationship with my x until recently. The house sale changed this status and I now endure increased emotional stress as I have to fight for every additional expense where the boys are concerned, and it is a battle I hate.

The strains and stresses are evident in my demeanour and behaviour towards the boys, and we are not in harmony and this affects me too.

But all these stresses, worries and concerns are about money, and try as I might I can't escape the depression it leaves me with.

Moving House

There are some stresses in your life that are well documented, recognised and openly discussed.
And moving home is one of them.
I have approached this whole process with calmness, optimism and hope that I would have a reasonable experience.
I was, until yesterday. It appears my buyers are starting to 'dick around', this lovely phrase sums it up beautifully for me today. What I mean by that is, they are questioning everything and accusing me of not being helpful! Interesting how a question I was asked, that I replied to with the words....I had not planned to... was interpreted into.....she says she will NOT. Now I am sure you are aware how different they sound, one is negotiable and one statement is adamant, and incidentally the upper case not was how this was presented and written in an email from my buyer to my estate agent.

So now I am getting a little unsettled. Feeling a little pissed off and getting ready for a battle that actually I don't want to have.

Either you love the house, want to buy it or you don't.
Simple.

You knocked the asking price and therefore you've had your deal.

I am now aching across my shoulders and hating this moment in time.

Yet again I can feel a little battle about to commence. I don't want to fight.

Divorce
Planning and now this.

No thanks, I'm done.
I want to move on and get on with my life.

So let's see where we end up. No doubt this blog will record the whole story and the procrastination, conflict, upset, turmoil and outcome. Let's just hope it's over fast, I haven't got the steam, the energy or will for another fight.

Getting old

In the last few weeks I have had my eye check-up, breast screening and a replacement Mirena fitted - with the doctor noting this will be my last ever Mirena, because I will truly be through my menopause next time I visit in seven years!

Getting older really stinks. I feel lethargic, hate the wrinkles and elasticity on my skin changing which becomes more evident when I actually put my contact lenses in. That is why I hardly wear them and prefer to not see things too clearly, as the sharpness of vision illuminates the truth.

I am 48, soon to be 49. I can still do a full cardio class, press-ups on my toes, burpees and run 10km but mostly I don't want to. I've lost my mojo and I don't know why.

I radiate towards the biscuit tin and snuffle biscuits, usually two at a time over three visits and then chastise myself for the unnecessary sugar and calorie load. I talk a good run, I imagine being super-fit like I was four years ago but somehow I don't have the inclination.

Facebook makes me mad, I hate everyone else who runs, sprints, cycles as they only remind me of my own short comings.

Black moods hit me like a ton of oppressive weights creating a pit in my stomach that feels as if it holds me back, and I feel like lead with a feeling of not wanting to venture outside. Small things make me mad, injustice makes me incandescent with rage, the world seems to be so unfair. Is this what getting old feels like?

Drudge onwards with more; washing, cleaning, tidying, working, sorting out laundry, walking the dog, food shopping, cooking meals, attending fitness classes to help counteract the biscuits and so it goes on.

Is this it?

I thinking getting older is exhausting.

I remember wondering why old people concerned themselves with minutiae. I can now see your world appears to shrink a little and with it you concern yourself with the small stuff.

I always loved that saying "don't sweat the small stuff!" followed by "do it big or stay in bed". The only problem is now I would prefer to stay in bed and wait for a few things to pass before re-emerging.

Let's hope this feeling passes soon and it's not old age but just the winter blues!

Some things never change!

It has been a momentous week here.

I received an offer on the house - I put it on the market eight weeks ago. Most weekends we have had viewings and some positive feedback. But nothing solid, no offer.

Then suddenly the offer and it's all systems go. Very exciting and of course daunting, as the reality kicks in. A downsize will mean a lot of de-cluttering and clearing out. All cathartic and welcomed but where to start?

Anyway this little bit of activity has strangely kicked my X husband into bastard mode. No idea this would happen. No doubt he went on-line to check the house sale price and choked, it is considerably more than our agreed divorce settlement price some years ago. Not my fault, my error or my doing.
However money motivates many and the sharks now circle.

I would like to mention at this point, I earn considerably less than my X, have the children 87% of the time, attend all school functions and requirements and am a excellent mother, who works 4-5 days a week (justifying my existence & contribution - again!).

I will also add at this point, this tax liability is because xxxx wanted to try a scheme to avoid paying more tax. I did challenge this some years ago whilst we were married and was told to shut up. However all the tax liability correspondence between xxx and the tax office has taken place after we stopped cohabiting, so I have not been privy to the requests, contents, amounts or processes. However during our divorce settlement I was made aware a large tax bill was looming. As part of the divorce settlement I would have to contribute an agreed limited liability (up to the value of £15,000) within an allocated timeframe. This timeframe has subsequently passed.

Please take a look at this delightful email correspondence we have had today...... what a plonker! Or am I mis-guided?

Let me set the scene. On Tuesday night he popped over to get something from one of the boys. I invited him in and told him I'd sold the house. And then he launched into how I owed him money for his tax bill. I suggested he re-read the Consent Order as the time had lapsed from when the payments or  possible contributions from me were due. We had an agreed timeframe in our Consent order of two years for him to finalise the details and let me know, after such time my liability lapsed. Please know these were never my tax liabilities but in marriage and divorce good and bad is shared.....as many of you will know.

Here is his email today just as I received it. Not hello Lucy..... straight to the point. Lovely.

Email communication today, his is in black and my reply is in blue.

So yes there is a statement about the sum being full arrived at by July 2016 but we both know that the tax liability is well in excess of the £30 k that was originallyl estimated. In February 2016 i had to pay a APN tax demand for 25K

I have been more that amicable throughout the divorce  proceeding have shielded this tax burden from you to a large extent. You are in a position to pay this and it is right and proper that you now meet this obligation when the sale goes through or i will be be forced to go through the courts again. 

Let me know what your reply is 

Take me to court. 

Followed by ........

Hi xxxxx

All tax matters were to be resolved and concluded by July 2016. My liability of £15,000 ceased after July 2016.

I was not presented with a bill or proof of payment owing during the allocated timeframe.  I have never seen or been presented with any correspondence or information about your tax liabilities.

I was not made aware of your current situation regarding this matter and your future costs.

The cut off date was put in place to protect and ensure matters were finalised within an agreed time frame. I remember at the time of our divorce negotiations I wanted the date earlier (2015) but agreed to the extension of July 2016 as requested by your solicitor.

I do not know why you suddenly feel it is all unfair. We agreed and negotiated  a clean break so we could both resume with our lives, and the paths that these may take.

The children are our joint responsibility and any associated additional costs, we have with agreement shared, but even now you try to waver and relent when and where possible. Durham Uni Open Day is an example. 

You are happy for me to be the ever present proactive parent and yet now you feel I have it too easy?

It will be a great shame for us to become entangled in more legal rows because you feel it is now all unfair.

Take whichever path you wish and seek legal advise if you feel this is necessary. 

What a sad day for me. 

Just when I thought we had a good working relationship and our communication about the children was improving.

I have been paying your maintenance when clearly you have been co-habiting with  A. Also Toms for the past 6 months.I have stated numerous times, present a list of bills and i will reconcile there against larger expenses as in car etc. which you conveniently forget. Dont talk about wavering and relenting where possible.

This is about an agreement that you would meet a fraction of the tax bill that has been hanging over me for past years . It has been very clear that this exceeded £30K even on the day you signed the consent.

The SAD bit is that you feel you that somehow you can get out of this and its all fine but ignore that fgact that 25K of tax has been paid and a much larger amount is due.

xxxxx, 

Please read your Consent order.

A moved in at the beginning of June 2016, I am allowed to cohabit with someone for one year until it changes my payment. That is why I am moving house because I need to consolidate and reduce my out goings because I know my maintenance payments are due to decrease. And yet this very move has sent you into a flurry of anger.

We have not reviewed the children’s maintenance because neither of us have requested this. I could have asked for a review after the first year in line with inflation but didn’t as it felt petty.

You could have requested a review when Tom started uni but didn’t because you recognised that you wanted me to have Tom in the holidays, contribute towards his accommodation and living costs.

We can review the maintenance, you have never asked and neither have I. If you do not wish to contribute towards Tom and James when they are at uni I will not be able to contribute towards their living expenses and this will fall to you, as you earn considerably more than me. These are choices we can make, I don’t mind.

The Durham trip - I mentioned this in advance, you agreed to contribute. I sent you details but you haven’t settled. How do you want me to do it in future? Send you an invoice!

Yes it has been great that you have been considerate but then so have I. Please don’t make yourself out to be the golden boy and me the evil woman.

There is no flurry of anger .....there is disbelief that you are trying to get out of an agreement to pay 15000 in tax liability that we have both known about from the start. It hasn't gone away!....and you are in a position now to pay it .

Inflation has been less than 1% ...This is not about a piece of paper, its your morality ....the facts are are clear

I am now waiting for the fallout of the above, and wondering what will happen. It feels as if you make giant leaps forward followed by momentous steps backwards at times.

Almost full-time working mummy

It's actually happened and I never saw it arriving, prepared for it or even contemplated the prospect.
But I am now working almost full-time!

I love it, and hate it too.

I miss having allocated time to do my chores in the week, go to morning bootcamp in the park and have time to ponder.

Instead my head is full, bursting with ideas, thoughts, actions, words and emails to the point at 6am I can't stay in bed any longer, I get up and start working. No I'm not a work alcoholic but I am 'an all or nothing girl,'. When I'm on a mission - I'm on it but when it's done I will happily chill and flop about. It is often joked that as passenger in a car I can be asleep before we have left Faversham town centre, and we live in the town centre! I do live for the moment, love the vibe, the buzz and filling my head with other stuff to the point of total distraction. I am constantly thinking about how something can be done, improved and so can't do anything by half. Yes sometimes I need to just slow down, so I am teaching myself this also but I am a bit wired at the moment, like a coiled spring.

But never did I plan to work this much, after all February was the beginning of my new work status; to explore what else might be out there, it was the beginning of a journey and look where we are now.