In recent months I have made a very conscious effort to see old friends. It involves careful planning as most live hours away. Sometimes we have put dates in the diary months in advance to ensure it actually happens. We are all busy mums with lots of children and in most cases juggling work too. I think I am the only one juggling divorce, work, study and three children. No special award for me possibly I may be deemed mad by some or bonkers.
It has been wonderful to catch-up with my friends that have known me for 30+ years, 20+ years and more recently a meagre 16 years. It is like slipping on your favourite pair of shoes, it just feels good.
I feel very fortunate to have such wonderful girlfriends that I really like, I'm glad the friendships haven't been neglected and that after all these years we can sit for hours and talk openly and on departing talk about getting together soon. I am Godmother to some children of my dearest friends and that also means there is a special connection and reason to ensure the time between visits doesn't lapse too much.
Making time for your friends, does take time, is an investment and one you have to be committed too but it has such a feel good factor. I truly think when all else in your world may feel uncertain or be under stress, make time for a reassuring catch-up with someone who knows you very well. Knows all your faults your idiosyncrasies understands the warped humour, knows your family and just enjoys talking with you.
Guess what?
The consent order is with the Court waiting for its stamp of approval! It was a painful time before being submitted with DH dragging it on at the end. The irony, and this is not lost on me, DH suddenly wants the whole process completed asap. as he has decided to go for a house at auction and he now needs his name off the mortgage soon as! He is leaping about panicking and asking me when the order will be back. For once I am more relaxed..... You can sing for this one .....!
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Chores calculator
Radio 4 Women's hour this week discussed the chores calculator, the bit I heard was interesting in parts although did turn into a bit of an anti men discussion. Despite my current situation I am definitely not anti men and indeed have decided I quite like doing chores, or should I say household jobs.
BUT I know this is only if I am appreciated! Or what I do is noticed and I am given thanks...the moment someone takes me for granted or says I am lazy (which I am absolutely not) I feel really peeved and unappreciated. I must say renumeration for work can make me feel valued too! I happily pay my children to do chores/errands around the house. Perhaps I should just make them do them but I recognise to sometimes get something done or help you need to pay.
For me now my problem is the imbalance for what I deem to do for the three boys and what my estranged husband, soon to be x does. It niggles me intensely because for all the reasons I have mentioned above.
On his weekend, he collects the children at 7.30pm on a Friday night. They leave all their uniform here. They return Sunday about the same time, with bags full of clothes, sports gear that need washing. Admittedly I have had 48 hours of a quiet home. An ideal opportunity to catch up on household jobs; striping beds, washing, tidying. I do go out, indulge in a lie in and also enjoy the fact I can cook what suits me and at a time that suits me, so I'm not complaining. But these weekends are alternate and the boys do not see their father for any length of time in-between these weekends. So who does all the paperwork, form filling, name-taping, homework, organising of sport events, liaising with school, sick days, washing, cooking, packed lunches......and the list goes on. Of course I do! Do I get a " thanks, despite our differences I really appreciate you're a wonderful Mother" "I couldn't do my job without you sorting out the boys every day" or "do you have enough money to support the boys needs".
NO - I get the government recommendation child maintenance and accusations that I like a champagne lifestyle and should work longer hours! I do love champagne but right now I can only afford Prosecco, so thanks DH for being such a mean spirited man who thinks alternate weekends is sufficient input and never understands how much the children cost.
So yes I am anti, anti my x husband - DH for these blog purposes but then that's not really a revelation is it?
BUT I know this is only if I am appreciated! Or what I do is noticed and I am given thanks...the moment someone takes me for granted or says I am lazy (which I am absolutely not) I feel really peeved and unappreciated. I must say renumeration for work can make me feel valued too! I happily pay my children to do chores/errands around the house. Perhaps I should just make them do them but I recognise to sometimes get something done or help you need to pay.
For me now my problem is the imbalance for what I deem to do for the three boys and what my estranged husband, soon to be x does. It niggles me intensely because for all the reasons I have mentioned above.
On his weekend, he collects the children at 7.30pm on a Friday night. They leave all their uniform here. They return Sunday about the same time, with bags full of clothes, sports gear that need washing. Admittedly I have had 48 hours of a quiet home. An ideal opportunity to catch up on household jobs; striping beds, washing, tidying. I do go out, indulge in a lie in and also enjoy the fact I can cook what suits me and at a time that suits me, so I'm not complaining. But these weekends are alternate and the boys do not see their father for any length of time in-between these weekends. So who does all the paperwork, form filling, name-taping, homework, organising of sport events, liaising with school, sick days, washing, cooking, packed lunches......and the list goes on. Of course I do! Do I get a " thanks, despite our differences I really appreciate you're a wonderful Mother" "I couldn't do my job without you sorting out the boys every day" or "do you have enough money to support the boys needs".
NO - I get the government recommendation child maintenance and accusations that I like a champagne lifestyle and should work longer hours! I do love champagne but right now I can only afford Prosecco, so thanks DH for being such a mean spirited man who thinks alternate weekends is sufficient input and never understands how much the children cost.
So yes I am anti, anti my x husband - DH for these blog purposes but then that's not really a revelation is it?
Is the finishing line getting closer?
I can truly see it... the finishing line is nearly within my grasp. One large leap and I feel as if I could maybe catch it, the leap required is however slightly bigger than I have the stretch at the moment. I am therefore creeping up quietly, slowly, patiently and then I will grab it and hold it so tightly my knuckles will go white. I will then be so frightened to let go just incase it disappears. I imagine this line is a ribbon, similar to one that is held and stretched at the finish of a race, never has it held such significance to me.
If signifies the end of being controlled, treated with such distaste, hatred and disrespect. The freedom the end of the divorce will give me is not a physical freedom but head space which I haven't had for over a year. A year of solicitors, emails, disagreements, accusations, money battles and negativity that has filled too much of my life and thinking time. Not too mention emotional eating resulting in sugar loading and lethargy, which is not me. I have given in to it as I don't have the strength for a personal battle with myself.
I have been told I should sprinkle the corners of my home with salt and light candles to remove the negative energy within the house after everything is concluded. I am willing to try anything.
If signifies the end of being controlled, treated with such distaste, hatred and disrespect. The freedom the end of the divorce will give me is not a physical freedom but head space which I haven't had for over a year. A year of solicitors, emails, disagreements, accusations, money battles and negativity that has filled too much of my life and thinking time. Not too mention emotional eating resulting in sugar loading and lethargy, which is not me. I have given in to it as I don't have the strength for a personal battle with myself.
I have been told I should sprinkle the corners of my home with salt and light candles to remove the negative energy within the house after everything is concluded. I am willing to try anything.
Monday, 6 October 2014
In the balance
October 6th, the start of another week.
I am aware if you read through my Blog you may think I am a depressant, in need of help. I do remind myself I started the blog to provide me with an emotional outlet, so it's inevitable it may take a rather negative form. However today I feel I need to write about some good things. Little moments that make life sweeter, sometimes bitter sweet.
Last week I visited my mother in Cheshire and we spent a glorious 24 hours together. No children or distractions just us. We chatted away endlessly and it was perfect. I needed the break and the time with my mum and I think she needed a Lucy fix too. I tried to help her with her Facebook account and in the process suggested taking photos of her with no hair, wearing a head scarf and in her new wig. I felt it might be liberating to show the three faces/looks and hash tagged them with StandUptoCancer. They have received a good response and Mum looks great in all three pictures, such a perfect small head that without hair it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not sure my head would look as nice.
On return home my three gorgeous boys had laid the table and bought the ingredients for Supper. That night six of us, boys plus me and two guests, one my brother enjoyed a lively meal altogether with much laughter. My damson syrup also exploded over the kitchen much to everyones amusement. Clearly the syrup had been fermenting so when the Grolsh top on the bottle was released a fountain of rich purple juice decorated the walls! Lesson learnt, keep it in the fridge so the lively bacteria can't be so active!
The weekend has been sport focussed with successes all round. The sporting prowess of the boys is always a joy and their ability to compete and be great sportsman a credit. I'm so proud.
Tonight as I was coaching the swimmers, it was a joy as always. Small things, can make such a difference.
Tomorrow is the real start of my course. Lectures to hear and assignments will be set. I am still apprehensive but really hoping I can cope. I need this to work for me. I need to accomplish something momentous for myself, personal development, confidence and a feel good factor all in one.
The spinning plates are still spinning. Rayburn is still not producing hot water or heating and has been out of action for 6 weeks now! Consent order is apparently agreed, and will be signed this week? I will believe it when it happens. Mortgage all in place but needs signed Consent order to be finalised.
Now lets just briefly mention DH. Who is being an absolute DH. I know hate is a strong word but I do HATE him. He has been so neglectful of any of his parenting duties of late. He had promised to attend a school meeting on Tuesday last week, as I was at college but didn't go. He is now not sure if he wants to pay for J to go on a school trip that he committed to, as he now feels it is too expensive. He has been promising all year to take the boys to SA for Christmas but now says it's too expensive. At the weekends if it is not his weekend with the boys he doesn't answer his phone to the boys. Had promised to take J to a polo training session but now says he can't! And so the list goes on. A real part-time parent who does not see the value in parenting outside of his alternate weekend and providing it suits him. Never replies to emails, confirms any arrangements or reads information properly, he is really difficult to deal with. I hate him! Rant over.
I am aware if you read through my Blog you may think I am a depressant, in need of help. I do remind myself I started the blog to provide me with an emotional outlet, so it's inevitable it may take a rather negative form. However today I feel I need to write about some good things. Little moments that make life sweeter, sometimes bitter sweet.
Last week I visited my mother in Cheshire and we spent a glorious 24 hours together. No children or distractions just us. We chatted away endlessly and it was perfect. I needed the break and the time with my mum and I think she needed a Lucy fix too. I tried to help her with her Facebook account and in the process suggested taking photos of her with no hair, wearing a head scarf and in her new wig. I felt it might be liberating to show the three faces/looks and hash tagged them with StandUptoCancer. They have received a good response and Mum looks great in all three pictures, such a perfect small head that without hair it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not sure my head would look as nice.
On return home my three gorgeous boys had laid the table and bought the ingredients for Supper. That night six of us, boys plus me and two guests, one my brother enjoyed a lively meal altogether with much laughter. My damson syrup also exploded over the kitchen much to everyones amusement. Clearly the syrup had been fermenting so when the Grolsh top on the bottle was released a fountain of rich purple juice decorated the walls! Lesson learnt, keep it in the fridge so the lively bacteria can't be so active!
The weekend has been sport focussed with successes all round. The sporting prowess of the boys is always a joy and their ability to compete and be great sportsman a credit. I'm so proud.
Tonight as I was coaching the swimmers, it was a joy as always. Small things, can make such a difference.
Tomorrow is the real start of my course. Lectures to hear and assignments will be set. I am still apprehensive but really hoping I can cope. I need this to work for me. I need to accomplish something momentous for myself, personal development, confidence and a feel good factor all in one.
The spinning plates are still spinning. Rayburn is still not producing hot water or heating and has been out of action for 6 weeks now! Consent order is apparently agreed, and will be signed this week? I will believe it when it happens. Mortgage all in place but needs signed Consent order to be finalised.
Now lets just briefly mention DH. Who is being an absolute DH. I know hate is a strong word but I do HATE him. He has been so neglectful of any of his parenting duties of late. He had promised to attend a school meeting on Tuesday last week, as I was at college but didn't go. He is now not sure if he wants to pay for J to go on a school trip that he committed to, as he now feels it is too expensive. He has been promising all year to take the boys to SA for Christmas but now says it's too expensive. At the weekends if it is not his weekend with the boys he doesn't answer his phone to the boys. Had promised to take J to a polo training session but now says he can't! And so the list goes on. A real part-time parent who does not see the value in parenting outside of his alternate weekend and providing it suits him. Never replies to emails, confirms any arrangements or reads information properly, he is really difficult to deal with. I hate him! Rant over.
Monday, 29 September 2014
Big day tomorrow
Tomorrow is my induction day at college, I am bricking it. Wondering what I am committing myself too, the time, the study, the juggling but hopefully also the euphoria of doing something to better myself gain knowledge and confidence.
Mortgage papers all completed and with the conveyancing services as of tomorrow morning. Draft consent order with DH's solicitor and we are just waiting. Visiting mum on Thursday, the first time I will have seen her since the beginning of her treatment. Really looking forward to spending 24 hours with her, long, long overdue. And my course starts tomorrow, those spinning plates are just about all spinning. Oh yes, the Rayburn should be fixed tomorrow, estimate a mere £460! And tonight as I entered the kitchen I noticed water across the floor.....hoping to bloody goodness the dishwasher hasn't decided to leak now! I replaced the washing machine in August. I am beginning to feel a tad unlucky........it is me she shouts to no one in particular! Why me, why now, give me a break pleeeeaase.
Amongst the gloom a stunning bouquet of flowers adorns my kitchen table, delivered last Wednesday just because.....and the boys are in good form although lazy annoying shits too frequently. Constantly forgetting to do their designated jobs, despite reminders and " in a minute" is always the return call! If certain jobs are not done tomorrow three children may be waking to washing on their heads, wet swimming towels and rubbish from unemptied bins.... This woman means business! Or should I say this student...!
DH is in love and his brain is being ruled by his dick which has culminated in him being very late on two recent occasions involving collection and drop off for the youngest, who is now clearly disillusioned about his dad. A promised holiday with the boys has been postponed, vague unanswered emails, and he is constantly uncommitted about taking the boys to sport engagements and he still thinks he's a good father, beggars belief. Someone recently said of local papers " the problem with local news, is generally not much happens in this town!" I was very quick to comment " I can feel an impending murder coming on" but sense prevails as I don't want to spend my days in small cell without my three children. No other reason!
How long now then.......today is the 29 September and still we wait for the divorce details to be finalised.
Mortgage papers all completed and with the conveyancing services as of tomorrow morning. Draft consent order with DH's solicitor and we are just waiting. Visiting mum on Thursday, the first time I will have seen her since the beginning of her treatment. Really looking forward to spending 24 hours with her, long, long overdue. And my course starts tomorrow, those spinning plates are just about all spinning. Oh yes, the Rayburn should be fixed tomorrow, estimate a mere £460! And tonight as I entered the kitchen I noticed water across the floor.....hoping to bloody goodness the dishwasher hasn't decided to leak now! I replaced the washing machine in August. I am beginning to feel a tad unlucky........it is me she shouts to no one in particular! Why me, why now, give me a break pleeeeaase.
Amongst the gloom a stunning bouquet of flowers adorns my kitchen table, delivered last Wednesday just because.....and the boys are in good form although lazy annoying shits too frequently. Constantly forgetting to do their designated jobs, despite reminders and " in a minute" is always the return call! If certain jobs are not done tomorrow three children may be waking to washing on their heads, wet swimming towels and rubbish from unemptied bins.... This woman means business! Or should I say this student...!
DH is in love and his brain is being ruled by his dick which has culminated in him being very late on two recent occasions involving collection and drop off for the youngest, who is now clearly disillusioned about his dad. A promised holiday with the boys has been postponed, vague unanswered emails, and he is constantly uncommitted about taking the boys to sport engagements and he still thinks he's a good father, beggars belief. Someone recently said of local papers " the problem with local news, is generally not much happens in this town!" I was very quick to comment " I can feel an impending murder coming on" but sense prevails as I don't want to spend my days in small cell without my three children. No other reason!
How long now then.......today is the 29 September and still we wait for the divorce details to be finalised.
Thursday, 18 September 2014
The dilemmas of life
We are now charging towards the end of September, with such speed I can hardly believe it.
The summer came and went in flash. It started very bleakly indeed with the news of my mothers Cancer (always warrants an upper case C ) but as the weeks rolled on we had two wonderful family holidays and I managed to juggle work too. All very satisfying although tricky at times. I can't say working in the summer holidays when you know your children are lazying at home is easy. Firstly, you feel you should be at home, shooing them into the garden to get fresh air before the sofa takes on their body mould, but also you want to be a "good mother". A mother that is available and not at work. This is always an idealistic thought but in reality if you find yourself at home during the holidays you can instantly become very frustrated with your pyjama wearing teenagers, who seem to flop about and eat vast bowls of cereal throughout the day, and never muster the inclination or energy to make a sandwich for themselves! Unless you offer, and then miraculously you find three boys sitting, waiting around the table suddenly able to devour a huge pile of fresh sandwiches, as if they haven't eaten for days. The poor souls.....!
My waist line is thickening too, I'm convinced it's old age. I also know it's too much wine, chocolate, rich food and a general summer malaise towards exercise but I am consciously back on it now! The waist however is not moving as fast as I would like, and suddenly I am finding myself searching through my wardrobe daily for floaty tops, empire line dresses and wishing I owned a corset!
Would you believe it, no divorce either! We have progressed, we are now battling over the wording in the Consent Order. Yes the draft that goes to court, that hopefully gets stamped that allows me to apply for my Decree Absolut. Like Vodka Absolut, bloody absolutely and I will be drinking it in vast quantities that is for sure. If the moment takes me, I might just throw a party, a completely un PC divorced at last, can you believe it party. My X is a shit, and now I can tell everyone party.....or perhaps the quieter option, care to join me for a case of Proseco I can't believe it's all over party.
So the dilemmas of life....
Would you want to know if you had the Cancer gene if given the chance?
Is it a brave or stupid woman, who plans to start studying in two weeks time, with the hope it will better the career opportunities, when her life is still in turmoil?
Do you tell close friends their marriage looks doomed, when they constantly hint at problems and look forlorn?
Do you scowl at people on mobility vehicles and say " my goodness, you're costing the state a fortune you lazy, fat blob. Why not look after yourself better and try to walk a little, it helps!"?
Life is indeed full of questions and dilemmas. I wonder when all my spinning plates have gone will I truly feel like a huge weight has lifted and no longer seek solace in chocolate, cakes and dark chocolate toffees, lets hope so!
The summer came and went in flash. It started very bleakly indeed with the news of my mothers Cancer (always warrants an upper case C ) but as the weeks rolled on we had two wonderful family holidays and I managed to juggle work too. All very satisfying although tricky at times. I can't say working in the summer holidays when you know your children are lazying at home is easy. Firstly, you feel you should be at home, shooing them into the garden to get fresh air before the sofa takes on their body mould, but also you want to be a "good mother". A mother that is available and not at work. This is always an idealistic thought but in reality if you find yourself at home during the holidays you can instantly become very frustrated with your pyjama wearing teenagers, who seem to flop about and eat vast bowls of cereal throughout the day, and never muster the inclination or energy to make a sandwich for themselves! Unless you offer, and then miraculously you find three boys sitting, waiting around the table suddenly able to devour a huge pile of fresh sandwiches, as if they haven't eaten for days. The poor souls.....!My waist line is thickening too, I'm convinced it's old age. I also know it's too much wine, chocolate, rich food and a general summer malaise towards exercise but I am consciously back on it now! The waist however is not moving as fast as I would like, and suddenly I am finding myself searching through my wardrobe daily for floaty tops, empire line dresses and wishing I owned a corset!
Would you believe it, no divorce either! We have progressed, we are now battling over the wording in the Consent Order. Yes the draft that goes to court, that hopefully gets stamped that allows me to apply for my Decree Absolut. Like Vodka Absolut, bloody absolutely and I will be drinking it in vast quantities that is for sure. If the moment takes me, I might just throw a party, a completely un PC divorced at last, can you believe it party. My X is a shit, and now I can tell everyone party.....or perhaps the quieter option, care to join me for a case of Proseco I can't believe it's all over party.
So the dilemmas of life....
Would you want to know if you had the Cancer gene if given the chance?
Is it a brave or stupid woman, who plans to start studying in two weeks time, with the hope it will better the career opportunities, when her life is still in turmoil?
Do you tell close friends their marriage looks doomed, when they constantly hint at problems and look forlorn?
Do you scowl at people on mobility vehicles and say " my goodness, you're costing the state a fortune you lazy, fat blob. Why not look after yourself better and try to walk a little, it helps!"?
Life is indeed full of questions and dilemmas. I wonder when all my spinning plates have gone will I truly feel like a huge weight has lifted and no longer seek solace in chocolate, cakes and dark chocolate toffees, lets hope so!
Sunday, 13 July 2014
The big C word
Cancer is back!
The most unwanted of visitors has invaded once more. Always unwelcome, unexplained and unfair. In most life events you feel there is a purpose for an action but when this black cloud comes along there never seems to be a justification, reason or a look on the bright side moment.
We now enter the journey. A time of waiting, questions, results, anxiety and emotions.
I have never really understood the idea that you have to be strong. I think it means cry quietly, don't show you're upset and hold your life together. I can't guarantee to do any of those things because right now, this news has totally floored me. It's not me that has C but my very special, wonderful Mum and the thought of her not being well is always hard.
Our summer plans have taken a dive. I am not so sad about changing plans, more about my fantasy of lazy summer days hanging out here together won't happen this year, as meticulously planned. But that's just it, you can't always plan for some events.
This weekend as the news was broken and my little world crumbled for a while, we did end up having a fantastic weekend. It suddenly seemed the only thing worthy of such news was to have lots of wonderful family time together, and we did. Yesterday lunch was more like Christmas, and the feast we ate altogether whilst laughing and chatting was a clear sign, family is everything.
So yes I will try to be strong, not for me but for my mother. After all I am not the one that has to be prodded, operated on and fed with drugs. I travel on this ghastly unwanted journey as a daughter, a supporter and hopefully not as an emotional wreck!
The most unwanted of visitors has invaded once more. Always unwelcome, unexplained and unfair. In most life events you feel there is a purpose for an action but when this black cloud comes along there never seems to be a justification, reason or a look on the bright side moment.
We now enter the journey. A time of waiting, questions, results, anxiety and emotions.
I have never really understood the idea that you have to be strong. I think it means cry quietly, don't show you're upset and hold your life together. I can't guarantee to do any of those things because right now, this news has totally floored me. It's not me that has C but my very special, wonderful Mum and the thought of her not being well is always hard.
Our summer plans have taken a dive. I am not so sad about changing plans, more about my fantasy of lazy summer days hanging out here together won't happen this year, as meticulously planned. But that's just it, you can't always plan for some events.
This weekend as the news was broken and my little world crumbled for a while, we did end up having a fantastic weekend. It suddenly seemed the only thing worthy of such news was to have lots of wonderful family time together, and we did. Yesterday lunch was more like Christmas, and the feast we ate altogether whilst laughing and chatting was a clear sign, family is everything.
So yes I will try to be strong, not for me but for my mother. After all I am not the one that has to be prodded, operated on and fed with drugs. I travel on this ghastly unwanted journey as a daughter, a supporter and hopefully not as an emotional wreck!
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Could this be it?
Tonight I am meeting DH. We have agreed to get together and try to talk through our needs and negotiate. I am bricking it. Not because I don't want to but because it has taken me a month to get to this. I don't want to blow it, to get cross and angry and storm out. If this doesn't work I am truly in trouble or going to be £20,000 worse off if we need to go to court.
Tonight is going to so difficult not because I am unreasonable or want more that I need but because this is personal for DH. He is bitter and sees this as a cage fight between two adults. At no point does he think about what the children need or that my role as main carer deserves financial support. Our last conversation when discussing housing needs ended when DH said you can live in Sittingbourne!
I know when this is all done I will be richer, not financially but emotionally. So right now I have to prepare myself for a difficult conversation where I know nothing I say will be acceptable but hope we can find a middle ground.
Tonight is going to so difficult not because I am unreasonable or want more that I need but because this is personal for DH. He is bitter and sees this as a cage fight between two adults. At no point does he think about what the children need or that my role as main carer deserves financial support. Our last conversation when discussing housing needs ended when DH said you can live in Sittingbourne!
I know when this is all done I will be richer, not financially but emotionally. So right now I have to prepare myself for a difficult conversation where I know nothing I say will be acceptable but hope we can find a middle ground.
Friday, 20 June 2014
So this is Collaborative, apparently!
Seriously this is a letter I received Tuesday evening via email from my estranged husband's solicitor! Really helpful and well written, don't you think?
I am in the collaborative system so to receive this was absolutely unbelievable. Best bit when you sign up to Collaborative you aren't allowed to use any evidence produced during the collaborative process if then decide to go to court! It would therefore seem you can write really shitty letters to bully and intimidate in the knowledge they can't be used as evidence. Nice one Eileen!
I am in the collaborative system so to receive this was absolutely unbelievable. Best bit when you sign up to Collaborative you aren't allowed to use any evidence produced during the collaborative process if then decide to go to court! It would therefore seem you can write really shitty letters to bully and intimidate in the knowledge they can't be used as evidence. Nice one Eileen!
Our Ref
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Your Ref
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Our Email
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Your Email
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Mr
xxxxxx
Innovation Centre
University
Road
Canterbury
Kent
CT2
7FG
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Direct Dial
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Web
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17
June 2014
(Dictated:
13 June)
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By e-mail
Dear Nxxxxx
Our names
I write further to the above
matter and understand that Lxxxx and DH have spoken directly.
DH tells me that Lxxx has
stated that she is not prepared to accept his proposals and that he had to be
prepared to negotiate. Sounds reasonable?
DH and I would be most obliged
if you could confirm Lxxx position and whether indeed her position is as
communicated to DH. If DH
proposals are rejected, then both Lxx and DH will need to give some thought
as to whether the collaborative process can proceed in any way, or whether they
now need to instruct alternative solicitors to negotiate, and issue,
proceedings on their behalf. That's funny earlier you mentioned I tried to Negotiate but that was wrong!
Further, if matters cannot be
agreed, Neil will need to reduce the level of global maintenance to £xxxx ( £500 less than currently!) with
effect from the payment due in July. Oh I see, don't do as we say and you'll financially penalise me?
I anticipate that all parties
involved do want to resolve the issues, but regrettably, it may well be that an
impasse has been reached which simply cannot be overcome. Well I am trying to negotiate without endless expensive and badly written letters from awful solicitors.
DH and I would welcome your
earliest attention. I'm trying to find a resolution but you have both really pissed me off with this letter!
Yours sincerely
A TRULY CRAP SOLICITOR!
For and on behalf of GX & CX
Rather sheepish
It has been quite a week as you may have realised from my recent blog entries.
This morning as I was about to leave home for the office the phone rang. It was DH ( estranged husband!).
The conversation went like this;
"Hello Lxx speaking"
"Hi it's me!"
"Yes"
"Are you working today?"
"Yes"
"As you know I am moving house today and I've been trying to sort out the transferal of my Broadband and now I'm off line and my toggle isn't working either on my laptop"
"Ummmm"
"Could I come to your house and work, as I need to work from home until 12pm today and I've no internet!"
Wow that is quite a request. My head is whirring. Is this the man that instructed his solicitor to send me such a horrid letter earlier in the week, doesn't answer texts regarding the children and wont negotiate?!
I surprise myself. I even feel a little pity because actually he is moving and as usual he isn't organised and it's all a bit pathetic.
"Yes you can. I am leaving for work in ten minutes and you can work on the kitchen table"
"Thank you"
Then I couldn't resist the opportunity....
"But we do need to sort out our financial agreement soon it can't go on like this."
"Yes but we can't agree!"
"We have a sticking point and we need to talk / negotiate!"
So DH is working from home, my home and maybe just maybe we will talk soon and sort this stupid, ridiculous situation out.
I continue to hope and believe we will. I don't think there is God of Divorce, he would be extremely busy and how would he guide so many souls to make the right decision?
This morning as I was about to leave home for the office the phone rang. It was DH ( estranged husband!).
The conversation went like this;
"Hello Lxx speaking"
"Hi it's me!"
"Yes"
"Are you working today?"
"Yes"
"As you know I am moving house today and I've been trying to sort out the transferal of my Broadband and now I'm off line and my toggle isn't working either on my laptop"
"Ummmm"
"Could I come to your house and work, as I need to work from home until 12pm today and I've no internet!"
Wow that is quite a request. My head is whirring. Is this the man that instructed his solicitor to send me such a horrid letter earlier in the week, doesn't answer texts regarding the children and wont negotiate?!
I surprise myself. I even feel a little pity because actually he is moving and as usual he isn't organised and it's all a bit pathetic.
"Yes you can. I am leaving for work in ten minutes and you can work on the kitchen table"
"Thank you"
Then I couldn't resist the opportunity....
"But we do need to sort out our financial agreement soon it can't go on like this."
"Yes but we can't agree!"
"We have a sticking point and we need to talk / negotiate!"
So DH is working from home, my home and maybe just maybe we will talk soon and sort this stupid, ridiculous situation out.
I continue to hope and believe we will. I don't think there is God of Divorce, he would be extremely busy and how would he guide so many souls to make the right decision?
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
Hope and Pray
Where do you go when the collaborative process seems to truly break down and you have paid thousands of pounds with no resolve?
You wait. You think. You pray, that a resolution can be found and that sense will prevail.
For richer, for poorer in sickness and in health.
Well it's certainly costing lots and making me ill, so that's ok then!
If you visualise, imagine hard enough you really hope upon hope you can make something positive happen. I am trying. I am hoping that a middle ground can be found. A meeting point. A chance for us to move on.
Sometimes if I think about the situation I find myself in for too long, I panic. My heart races, I feel desperate, hemmed in, trapped and just want to run away. But I can't and I wont. So breathe deeply and think of the good things I have and calm myself.
Not one part of life is currently stable, certain. I am told the boys are going to be away for Christmas, a whole two weeks. I can't bare the thought. But when I have asked to see flight details I have been refused. Possibly because they don't exist. How can I make plans if I don't know if they will really be away. I secretly hope they wont be away, as Christmas is such a difficult time to be a part from your children, even when they drive you nuts on occasion. Christmas is a family time, I love it. The boys and I have rituals and after 16 years, I can't believe I wont be with them or near them for two weeks over the festive season. It makes me want to go away too. Somewhere where Christmas becomes insignificant and I wont miss them as much.
It would seem after all this time that selling the current family home is going to be the only way to settle the financial situation. Still nothing is agreed and so no timescales have been set. More uncertainty.
Work is going through some big changes, which is unsettling too. Fortunately with so much going on in my personal life I am not able to dwell on it too much. However at times I find it unsettling.
I am also due to start a course in October which is to be funded by work. However there is a disclaimer that if I leave the work place within two years I am liable to pay the course fee. A risk I don't want to take when the work environment is so uncertain, so do I start the course? Another unknown!
With the prospect of having to obtain a mortgage anytime in the near future, holding onto my current job is important for a mortgage application. So I must keep my head down and wait. Yet more waiting. Never has an impatient, control freak had to wait so much, for so many elements out of her control. I definitely deserve a gold star.
So I am praying like mad, hoping so hard that sense is going to prevail and DH will want to resolve this stale-mate soon and we can find a compromise, a solution and move forwards.
VISUALISE: IMAGINE: MAKE HAPPEN.
You wait. You think. You pray, that a resolution can be found and that sense will prevail.
For richer, for poorer in sickness and in health.
Well it's certainly costing lots and making me ill, so that's ok then!
If you visualise, imagine hard enough you really hope upon hope you can make something positive happen. I am trying. I am hoping that a middle ground can be found. A meeting point. A chance for us to move on.
Sometimes if I think about the situation I find myself in for too long, I panic. My heart races, I feel desperate, hemmed in, trapped and just want to run away. But I can't and I wont. So breathe deeply and think of the good things I have and calm myself.
Not one part of life is currently stable, certain. I am told the boys are going to be away for Christmas, a whole two weeks. I can't bare the thought. But when I have asked to see flight details I have been refused. Possibly because they don't exist. How can I make plans if I don't know if they will really be away. I secretly hope they wont be away, as Christmas is such a difficult time to be a part from your children, even when they drive you nuts on occasion. Christmas is a family time, I love it. The boys and I have rituals and after 16 years, I can't believe I wont be with them or near them for two weeks over the festive season. It makes me want to go away too. Somewhere where Christmas becomes insignificant and I wont miss them as much.
It would seem after all this time that selling the current family home is going to be the only way to settle the financial situation. Still nothing is agreed and so no timescales have been set. More uncertainty.
Work is going through some big changes, which is unsettling too. Fortunately with so much going on in my personal life I am not able to dwell on it too much. However at times I find it unsettling.
I am also due to start a course in October which is to be funded by work. However there is a disclaimer that if I leave the work place within two years I am liable to pay the course fee. A risk I don't want to take when the work environment is so uncertain, so do I start the course? Another unknown!
With the prospect of having to obtain a mortgage anytime in the near future, holding onto my current job is important for a mortgage application. So I must keep my head down and wait. Yet more waiting. Never has an impatient, control freak had to wait so much, for so many elements out of her control. I definitely deserve a gold star.
So I am praying like mad, hoping so hard that sense is going to prevail and DH will want to resolve this stale-mate soon and we can find a compromise, a solution and move forwards.
VISUALISE: IMAGINE: MAKE HAPPEN.
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
Soup's cooking
A small window of opportunity to write something in my blog after a long month, and yes the soup is cooking on the Aga!
I am currently suffocating in my life. Too many unknowns, loose ends, unsatisfactory meetings, letters with unrealistic demands, deals and proposals. Today I sat and re-read all the solicitors documentation, and actually in collaborative there isn't supposed to be any! DH's solicitor on a number of occasions, three in fact has written lengthy letters and delivered them via email. Each one is quite different and the offers have varied but still not acceptable.
I have been asking myself, why don't I just take what's been offered, but its such a crap deal. If I didn't have the boys I wouldn't care but they are an anchor, a commitment and sometimes a noose. Yes of course I love them but being totally responsible for their care is draining. Tripping over bags in hallways, dirty clothes littered across bedrooms, endless arguments over Playstation FIFA, constant delay and reluctance over chores just wares you down.
Is the system fair, I don't think so. Behind the scenes I am bombarded with horrible texts, unreliable monthly payments, failures to collect and look after the boys at any given time. Dwindling interest in seeing the boys in the week, disengagement with their lives. And then i hear he will now be renting a two bedroom flat, is that a father who is thinking of the well-being of his children? Or a man hell bent on being awkward and making everyone suffer?
I truly wonder why I ever married such a selfish man.
I am currently suffocating in my life. Too many unknowns, loose ends, unsatisfactory meetings, letters with unrealistic demands, deals and proposals. Today I sat and re-read all the solicitors documentation, and actually in collaborative there isn't supposed to be any! DH's solicitor on a number of occasions, three in fact has written lengthy letters and delivered them via email. Each one is quite different and the offers have varied but still not acceptable.
I have been asking myself, why don't I just take what's been offered, but its such a crap deal. If I didn't have the boys I wouldn't care but they are an anchor, a commitment and sometimes a noose. Yes of course I love them but being totally responsible for their care is draining. Tripping over bags in hallways, dirty clothes littered across bedrooms, endless arguments over Playstation FIFA, constant delay and reluctance over chores just wares you down.
Is the system fair, I don't think so. Behind the scenes I am bombarded with horrible texts, unreliable monthly payments, failures to collect and look after the boys at any given time. Dwindling interest in seeing the boys in the week, disengagement with their lives. And then i hear he will now be renting a two bedroom flat, is that a father who is thinking of the well-being of his children? Or a man hell bent on being awkward and making everyone suffer?
I truly wonder why I ever married such a selfish man.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
Dear DH - the final straw!
Dear Dick head
Our next
Collaborative meeting will be my last. If we cannot find a resolution after all
this time I will be seeking alternative methods. Not because I want the process
to drag on but because in March a fair compromise was reached. We all left the
meeting in March understanding that at last, we had all come to an agreement. Latterly
documents were drawn up to reflect this, time was taken by me and my solicitor
to ensure everything was in place for signing and completing.
However the
week before last, a bolt out of the blue, a letter from ***** to say ” On
reflection **** was now not happy with the agreed and discussed financial
settlement.” This was some two weeks after the March meeting. Coincidentally
this was also shortly after girlfriends arrival to the UK. Is there someone else
involved in our agreements? I hope not.
I suggest
you read through the Court Order draft document and consider the options.
I understand
you have concerns at not being able to get a mortgage whilst your name remains
on the mortgage. A secondary lender will accept a Court order, and
indeed you may have to pay a slightly higher interest rate but it is only until
May 2015. Alternatively, I can remove you from the Mortgage immediately but you
will not get any money, the proposed £ ***** until May 2015. I am already
borrowing funds to help the divorce process find a resolution.
I agreed to
take on half your Tax liability, which is due to your bad management of your
personal work finances, which I had no part in deciding. If I had been part of
the decision process then I would agree I should be liable but you made these
decisions and now want me to carry the burden. I agreed I would.
The March
agreement allows you financial freedom, allows you to keep 75% of your income
(25 % being Government guidelines for child maintenance using child tax
calculator https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance figures based on £**** p/h x 37.7
worked hours a week x 48 weeks a year =
£**** child maintenance. This figure takes into account the boys stay with you
alternate weekends.) And gives you a
large cash payment plus you keep the land in South Africa plus I have said I
will honour half your tax liability. £**** barely covers the costs of our
extremely sporty, active boys and that is why you agreed in March to take on
some additional costs.
The current deal
will just about enable me to buy an alternative suitable property. As the main carer of the children I have a
limited earning potential going forward. I have no pension. I have the sole
responsibility of the day to day well being and care of our three children,
which limits my movements and work potential.
I have lost a great deal of my full earning
potential since giving up my career in 1998, which was agreed by both of us. I
would now be earning in the region of £50,000 pa instead I am now able to command
a maximum salary of around £28,000 pa. You currently offer me no additional
holiday support that is either guaranteed or pre arranged. This means all
holiday weeks have to be carefully planned, and my work needs to flexible
around the boys needs and demands.
You have the
freedom to go on holiday when you chose, at a time that suits you, I do not.
I am not
sure what more you think you need. This is not about me it is about being the
mother of our three healthy beautiful boys who need to be housed, fed, nurtured,
supported and cared for. I happen to be the one that is doing that day in day
out, it does have a value whether you believe that or not.
I am tired
of this whole process. I have IBS, eczema and recently had a massive allergic
reaction to seafood. These symptoms are all associated with stress. I want to
be able to move forward. To know that you aren’t going to walk into ***** Road
uninvited, to no longer receive horrible texts from you saying you don’t see
why you should give me money for our boys, when they have additional expenses.
I want this all resolved, completed and signed off.
However I
will not leave myself and the boys with barely enough, it isn’t fair. I would
prefer to let a judge decide than be bullied by you.
Kindest regards,
**********
Monday, 28 April 2014
Pick your fights
I feel as if I am turning into a moaning minnie. In the last few days I think I have complained, made a comment and put my forthright view across once too many times.
I am not sure if the divorce process is turing me into a slightly wild woman who seeks justice.
I want to put right the wrongs that I see and feel effect me.
Definitely the one real impact of the divorce process that has had a really profound effect on me, is the divorcing of your x husbands family. It didn't happen immediately infact initially it was all as before, with reassuring words like " we still love you" " you will always be special to us" " you will always be important, the mother of the grandchildren...."
The first indication of the change was when I received no Christmas card, neither did the boys. Not a word, not a call, not a present. And it wasn't waiting for them at their fathers either. I had a hint all was changing when late last year I received a letter with the sentiments...I realise it must be hard for you but be fair. The word "fair' just resounded with me, not because I felt I wasn't being fair but because my x was being far from "fair" and yet I knew then the tide was changing. I was being portrayed as the money grabbing, greedy x wife.
I bet there was no mention of the fact he was barely keeping his commitments to the boys, only seeing them for two sleepovers every two weeks. Going away without them during school holiday time. He never thought to discuss Christmas with them and went away for two weeks over Christmas. Going to work on days he says he is looking after them during the holidays, leaving them alone for 12 hours. Poor, poor him.
He doesn't have the homework trials and tribulations, the requests to speak with the boys teachers about the concerns the boys are having. The endless school emails requiring attention, parent evenings to attend, assemblies, class presentations, vomiting in the night, washing, cooking, cleaning. The fighting, bickering, arranging work experience placements, organising play dates.
But I do get the cuddles, the smiles, the jubilation, the pure delight in watching a school match, polo game and feeling so proud of my son. Being the first to hear the news at the end of the day. Being part of art and craft morning in class, selling cakes for school funds at the end of the school day, helping with after school cross country, cooking their favourite food.
Yes I do get it all. I get the rough and the smooth. I would fight for them, defend them, I do support them and I am determined that they reach their full potential because they are fantastic boys, capable of so much and I absolutely believe in them.
So don't make me feel I want too much.
I gave up my career for the boys, look after them with care and tenderness and work part time to be flexible around their needs. You won't even help me out during school holidays, commit to some dates to ease my stress of ensuring the holidays are covered.
I need a home for the boys and me, somewhere we can all live in comfort and safety. We shouldn't have to live on the edge, you can afford to provide for us properly. I supported you during your career progression, enabling you to strive ahead.
So anyone wishing to cross my path will get a fight.
The lady who parked in front of my house last night, blocking me access to the hard standing for parking. She received a note on her windscreen, as returning from Cheshire late on Sunday to unload the car and park and then realise I couldn't made me unhappy.
To the polo coach who selected my son to play in a National Polo tournament in Manchester over the weekend and then only played him for four minutes, you also received my wrath today. Don't select my son and then allow his self confidence and self belief to wither by your actions.
To the lady who cold called me this morning, I am registered to not receive cold calls, so don't call me!
To the sales lady at HSBC last week, who wanted to talk about my divorce status when I am trying to close my joint bank account. Lady just do your job, we aren't friends, I hate him but can't tell you that as I like to keep it together in public! That's why I have a blog.
To my work colleague who will remain nameless for now. Don't arrange another meeting that I should be at and not tell me when it is. I want to believe it is an oversight. The verdict is out at the moment because it has happened before. Changing times and working practises are not all about YOU!
On a good note I had a great bike ride today, in the sunshine through the Kent countryside with my wonderful playmate.
I am not sure if the divorce process is turing me into a slightly wild woman who seeks justice.
I want to put right the wrongs that I see and feel effect me.
Definitely the one real impact of the divorce process that has had a really profound effect on me, is the divorcing of your x husbands family. It didn't happen immediately infact initially it was all as before, with reassuring words like " we still love you" " you will always be special to us" " you will always be important, the mother of the grandchildren...."
The first indication of the change was when I received no Christmas card, neither did the boys. Not a word, not a call, not a present. And it wasn't waiting for them at their fathers either. I had a hint all was changing when late last year I received a letter with the sentiments...I realise it must be hard for you but be fair. The word "fair' just resounded with me, not because I felt I wasn't being fair but because my x was being far from "fair" and yet I knew then the tide was changing. I was being portrayed as the money grabbing, greedy x wife.
I bet there was no mention of the fact he was barely keeping his commitments to the boys, only seeing them for two sleepovers every two weeks. Going away without them during school holiday time. He never thought to discuss Christmas with them and went away for two weeks over Christmas. Going to work on days he says he is looking after them during the holidays, leaving them alone for 12 hours. Poor, poor him.
He doesn't have the homework trials and tribulations, the requests to speak with the boys teachers about the concerns the boys are having. The endless school emails requiring attention, parent evenings to attend, assemblies, class presentations, vomiting in the night, washing, cooking, cleaning. The fighting, bickering, arranging work experience placements, organising play dates.
But I do get the cuddles, the smiles, the jubilation, the pure delight in watching a school match, polo game and feeling so proud of my son. Being the first to hear the news at the end of the day. Being part of art and craft morning in class, selling cakes for school funds at the end of the school day, helping with after school cross country, cooking their favourite food.
Yes I do get it all. I get the rough and the smooth. I would fight for them, defend them, I do support them and I am determined that they reach their full potential because they are fantastic boys, capable of so much and I absolutely believe in them.
So don't make me feel I want too much.
I gave up my career for the boys, look after them with care and tenderness and work part time to be flexible around their needs. You won't even help me out during school holidays, commit to some dates to ease my stress of ensuring the holidays are covered.
I need a home for the boys and me, somewhere we can all live in comfort and safety. We shouldn't have to live on the edge, you can afford to provide for us properly. I supported you during your career progression, enabling you to strive ahead.
So anyone wishing to cross my path will get a fight.
The lady who parked in front of my house last night, blocking me access to the hard standing for parking. She received a note on her windscreen, as returning from Cheshire late on Sunday to unload the car and park and then realise I couldn't made me unhappy.
To the polo coach who selected my son to play in a National Polo tournament in Manchester over the weekend and then only played him for four minutes, you also received my wrath today. Don't select my son and then allow his self confidence and self belief to wither by your actions.
To the lady who cold called me this morning, I am registered to not receive cold calls, so don't call me!
To the sales lady at HSBC last week, who wanted to talk about my divorce status when I am trying to close my joint bank account. Lady just do your job, we aren't friends, I hate him but can't tell you that as I like to keep it together in public! That's why I have a blog.
To my work colleague who will remain nameless for now. Don't arrange another meeting that I should be at and not tell me when it is. I want to believe it is an oversight. The verdict is out at the moment because it has happened before. Changing times and working practises are not all about YOU!
On a good note I had a great bike ride today, in the sunshine through the Kent countryside with my wonderful playmate.
Tuesday, 22 April 2014
The dating game
In January 2012 I was separated. Looking back the strangest thing was getting used to being on my own when the children went to their fathers for the alternate weekend. Sharing the children is really really hard. In reality you have always shared the children but as a couple / family you did it together and through choice and decisions were shared, or discussed. In separation your children are spending time with the man you now loathe, who annoys you, who seems to do everything in his power to irritate you, so why would you want your children with him! Not always rational thoughts but who's rational just after they separate.
I can honestly say I started to look forward to my weekends off duty. I found a nucleus of friends that wanted to meet for Sunday morning runs in the woods followed by lunch. Saturdays were usually filled with fitness and household chores. The evenings were initially daunting but actually once the shutters were closed at night, the house cosy I didn't always want to go out. Cooking for one can seem a bit sad but as I love aubergines, courgettes and mushrooms and the boys don't, I would happily cook these yucky vegetables and eat guilt free.
Its not long after entering this new phase of your life, that you start to think it might be good fun to go on a date. I can remember it was one Saturday evening in March, after I had consumed a whole bottle of Prosecco on my own, I found the courage to sign up to match.com and begin my profile.
It is an exciting prospect, selling yourself.... but I was slightly panic struck that I had no decent photos. I decided I would ask the boys to take some! Have you ever asked your teenage son to take photos of you, fully made up posing but trying to look relaxed, it was hopeless. My son asked "what are these for?" Good question but I obviously lied.
Writing the profile is difficult, whatever you write tends to sound so corny. Of course I wrote the usual drivel but now have my own dictionary of popular descriptive words.
Fun = I smile a bit
Sporty = don't be a couch potato
Like to socialise = I have friends, hope you do
Own house = don't contact me if you live with your mother
I have travelled extensively = Do you know where Africa is?
I have had a number of dates through match.com and as I write this have been seeing someone I met on match for nearly a year now. But the journey to find my BF (boyfriend) was interesting to say the least. I never had a scary date, I never received body part texts or emails so I am unscathed but was disheartened or bemused at times.
Mr Carpet Right, this was my lowest point dating. Why I agreed to meet this man for a drink I will never know. I think it was the VW Camper van picture on his profile and the mention of him playing the guitar that drew me in. I fantasied about trips to Cornwall, sitting by camp fires, travelling in a VW. When will we learn. I did very quickly the night Mr Carpet Right Manager turned up....my heart sank and I knew immediately it was a "no lighty" moment. It was made worse when he said he had moved back home to live with his mother and the VW was on bricks!
Mr Gay voice. Another disaster. How can a woman fancy a man with a really gay voice, who tells you their work colleagues bought him a Per Una pink scarf for his birthday!
Mr I can't get over my girlfriend. You meet and then the conversation is all about his previous relationship, he sweats profusely and you realise the guy needs help but not your help, thanks but bye bye.
Mr Always chatty on-line but we never meet. Safe, fun but pointless. For weeks you email each other, flirt and laugh, usually late on a Friday or Saturday night. It's almost comforting but you never arrange to meet strangely but somehow the fun is in the chase or communication.
Mr You are like my x husband. This is treading old ground and it hurts and brings pain, frustration and anger. But only go there once, live by your mistake and learn. I did.
Then one Thursday evening in May 2013 I arranged to meet a date. I can remember the evening so clearly. Before I entered the pub I took a deep breath and just wondered to myself, why I wanted to put myself through this ordeal, again. Another blind date. I had received an email en route to say " Sitting on the round table by the door". I strode into the pub to meet this sparkly eyed, clean scrubbed, normal guy. I couldn't believe it. We chatted away for three hours and the time flew by. I really liked him, he was interesting, interested in me, engaging, worked, lived on his own, open and honest.
That was nearly a year ago.
I can honestly say I started to look forward to my weekends off duty. I found a nucleus of friends that wanted to meet for Sunday morning runs in the woods followed by lunch. Saturdays were usually filled with fitness and household chores. The evenings were initially daunting but actually once the shutters were closed at night, the house cosy I didn't always want to go out. Cooking for one can seem a bit sad but as I love aubergines, courgettes and mushrooms and the boys don't, I would happily cook these yucky vegetables and eat guilt free.
Its not long after entering this new phase of your life, that you start to think it might be good fun to go on a date. I can remember it was one Saturday evening in March, after I had consumed a whole bottle of Prosecco on my own, I found the courage to sign up to match.com and begin my profile.
It is an exciting prospect, selling yourself.... but I was slightly panic struck that I had no decent photos. I decided I would ask the boys to take some! Have you ever asked your teenage son to take photos of you, fully made up posing but trying to look relaxed, it was hopeless. My son asked "what are these for?" Good question but I obviously lied.
Writing the profile is difficult, whatever you write tends to sound so corny. Of course I wrote the usual drivel but now have my own dictionary of popular descriptive words.
Fun = I smile a bit
Sporty = don't be a couch potato
Like to socialise = I have friends, hope you do
Own house = don't contact me if you live with your mother
I have travelled extensively = Do you know where Africa is?
I have had a number of dates through match.com and as I write this have been seeing someone I met on match for nearly a year now. But the journey to find my BF (boyfriend) was interesting to say the least. I never had a scary date, I never received body part texts or emails so I am unscathed but was disheartened or bemused at times.
Mr Carpet Right, this was my lowest point dating. Why I agreed to meet this man for a drink I will never know. I think it was the VW Camper van picture on his profile and the mention of him playing the guitar that drew me in. I fantasied about trips to Cornwall, sitting by camp fires, travelling in a VW. When will we learn. I did very quickly the night Mr Carpet Right Manager turned up....my heart sank and I knew immediately it was a "no lighty" moment. It was made worse when he said he had moved back home to live with his mother and the VW was on bricks!
Mr Gay voice. Another disaster. How can a woman fancy a man with a really gay voice, who tells you their work colleagues bought him a Per Una pink scarf for his birthday!
Mr I can't get over my girlfriend. You meet and then the conversation is all about his previous relationship, he sweats profusely and you realise the guy needs help but not your help, thanks but bye bye.
Mr Always chatty on-line but we never meet. Safe, fun but pointless. For weeks you email each other, flirt and laugh, usually late on a Friday or Saturday night. It's almost comforting but you never arrange to meet strangely but somehow the fun is in the chase or communication.
Mr You are like my x husband. This is treading old ground and it hurts and brings pain, frustration and anger. But only go there once, live by your mistake and learn. I did.
Then one Thursday evening in May 2013 I arranged to meet a date. I can remember the evening so clearly. Before I entered the pub I took a deep breath and just wondered to myself, why I wanted to put myself through this ordeal, again. Another blind date. I had received an email en route to say " Sitting on the round table by the door". I strode into the pub to meet this sparkly eyed, clean scrubbed, normal guy. I couldn't believe it. We chatted away for three hours and the time flew by. I really liked him, he was interesting, interested in me, engaging, worked, lived on his own, open and honest.
That was nearly a year ago.
Back to school
Easter holidays have just finished, the rain marks the beginning of the summer term.
I have worked intermittently during the holidays and have really enjoyed the last four days of the Easter weekend.
On Good Friday we had the annual visit of "Our father", our father who lives in Malaysia. Each year the dates of the visit coincide with a Stamp collectors AGM in Dublin. We are informed of when the trip will be taking place via an email. My father then travels from Malaysia, catches up with a few close old friends and allows 24 hours to see his two children and five grandchildren. It is strange to write about this annual ritual as it makes me realise how bizarre it really is.
On Friday when the doorbell rang and I answered it, for a fleeting second I actually found myself starring at this man on my doorstep and thinking who is it, then I remembered, OMG its my dad!
The brief visit centres around wine, food and chat, which I have to admit I thoroughly enjoy. The conversations are topical, usually about current affairs and engaging, we listened with interest as my father talked about his missing Malaysian Airline theory. Spooks would have loved it, we certainly did.
During my fathers brief visit I did want some divorce advice, another set of ears. A fresh perspective. Although in the matters of the heart my father is bloody useless, he was however an excellent business man.
On Easter Sunday before his departure we sat at the kitchen table over cups of coffee and talked. He had some sound advice but one thing struck me, how bloody sexist he still is. He has always been proud of this fact, and in HK where he worked for some time, he used to find it amusing when he wore his MCP tie. As my father is sitting talking to me I get the distinct feeling that his answer is for me to re-marry! You could argue it's encouraging he thinks a man should look after a woman, surely that is exactly the point I am fighting. My estranged husband should ensure the boys and I have enough.
I am not sure I get the advice I really sought but then do we ever.
I am realising time and time again, we are the only ones who understand our own situation, we are the only ones that can fight our fight. Which is also rather depressing because sometimes I want someone else to carry my mantle, to fight my fight, as I am tired of it, exhausted and emotionally on empty.
One thing did amuse me rather this weekend....my brother asked to spend Friday night here, so he could catch up with dad and drink a few glasses of wine. His family ( wife plus two small children) then joined us early Saturday morning to spend the whole day here. I cooked delicious food all weekend, provided warm hospitality and good wine was flowing. Both my Dad and brother on two separate occasions have muttered to me about living within my means and having to be aware I may need to change my lifestyle. Apparently I'm too generous!
My brother arrived with some just out of date beer and two bottles of mediocre wine. My father arrived with an Easter egg for each grandchild, nothing for his daughter / host!
Just saying.
Family - you love 'em but don't always understand them.
I have worked intermittently during the holidays and have really enjoyed the last four days of the Easter weekend.
On Good Friday we had the annual visit of "Our father", our father who lives in Malaysia. Each year the dates of the visit coincide with a Stamp collectors AGM in Dublin. We are informed of when the trip will be taking place via an email. My father then travels from Malaysia, catches up with a few close old friends and allows 24 hours to see his two children and five grandchildren. It is strange to write about this annual ritual as it makes me realise how bizarre it really is.
On Friday when the doorbell rang and I answered it, for a fleeting second I actually found myself starring at this man on my doorstep and thinking who is it, then I remembered, OMG its my dad!
The brief visit centres around wine, food and chat, which I have to admit I thoroughly enjoy. The conversations are topical, usually about current affairs and engaging, we listened with interest as my father talked about his missing Malaysian Airline theory. Spooks would have loved it, we certainly did.
During my fathers brief visit I did want some divorce advice, another set of ears. A fresh perspective. Although in the matters of the heart my father is bloody useless, he was however an excellent business man.
On Easter Sunday before his departure we sat at the kitchen table over cups of coffee and talked. He had some sound advice but one thing struck me, how bloody sexist he still is. He has always been proud of this fact, and in HK where he worked for some time, he used to find it amusing when he wore his MCP tie. As my father is sitting talking to me I get the distinct feeling that his answer is for me to re-marry! You could argue it's encouraging he thinks a man should look after a woman, surely that is exactly the point I am fighting. My estranged husband should ensure the boys and I have enough.
I am not sure I get the advice I really sought but then do we ever.
I am realising time and time again, we are the only ones who understand our own situation, we are the only ones that can fight our fight. Which is also rather depressing because sometimes I want someone else to carry my mantle, to fight my fight, as I am tired of it, exhausted and emotionally on empty.
One thing did amuse me rather this weekend....my brother asked to spend Friday night here, so he could catch up with dad and drink a few glasses of wine. His family ( wife plus two small children) then joined us early Saturday morning to spend the whole day here. I cooked delicious food all weekend, provided warm hospitality and good wine was flowing. Both my Dad and brother on two separate occasions have muttered to me about living within my means and having to be aware I may need to change my lifestyle. Apparently I'm too generous!
My brother arrived with some just out of date beer and two bottles of mediocre wine. My father arrived with an Easter egg for each grandchild, nothing for his daughter / host!
Just saying.
Family - you love 'em but don't always understand them.
A day in Southend!
What a way to spend your day off from work, travelling on a coach to Southend and back, to watch your youngest would-be footballer, play football against Southend Academy.
Surely what dreams are made of, for them, if not for you!
Leave home at 10am with packed lunch in cool bag.
Play Aviici really loud ( this helps me feel young and hip) en route to Folkestone where we are meeting the coach. The coach has been booked, as the academy feel this is an impressive way for us to arrive at Southend.
For those of you that know your geography or know where I live, you will already have realised I have driven back on myself to catch a coach that an hour later is going to drive past my house.
I did want to query this matter, but I have a tendency to want to control everything, so keep quiet. Be a passive parent I thought, well I would at least try.
We arrive in glorious Southend at 2.30pm, to what appears to be council managed pitches and a play park. Not quite the imagery I had in my head. This is possibly because on Monday we had an amazing experience of being invited to play at Tottenham's training ground, now that was jaw-dropping and very impressive. I did realise a second division football team would be different, but this?
Carrying our packed lunch in cool bag with ice packs, we cross the grass and head for the changing rooms...not a cafe in site. I am gasping for a latte or cappuccino and would possibly have settled for an instant in a polystyrene cup at this point.
Onwards we march to the roped off pitches in the far distance. The irony is our coach couldn't drop us near these pitches due to height restriction in the near by car park, so much for an impressive arrival!
The pitches are flat, well cut, no weeds. I have lawn envy....well a little.
I don't pretend to know much about football, I watch it regularly barely grasp the concept of off-side but feel I appreciate a good game. Sadly today I am watching our team play their worst football this season and heads drop, including mine.
Meanwhile to make matters worse my mobile is bleeping away. Texts from my estranged husband, who never usually makes any form of contact if he can help it. I squint in the sunshine and read, he is bemoaning having to pay his agreed monthly instalments this month. He feels after our last collaborative meeting he would be justified in reducing his outgoing costs, although nothing has been agreed. After yesterdays curve ball I am really not happy. I decide he is clearly bored at work, or his girlfriend is challenging his current position. God I hate her! And him! I don't remember him volunteering to spend the day going to Southend to watch football and he feels it's all about ME!
We eventually get home at 7.30pm, a nine and half hour day...was it worth it? NO.
Would I do it again, probably, 'cause that's what mummies do!
*********************************************************************************
Why are Mums so wonderful, I am biased of course but this is worth a watch. It is cheesy but who cares.
http://sftimes.co/?id=493&src=share_fb_new_493
Surely what dreams are made of, for them, if not for you!
Leave home at 10am with packed lunch in cool bag.
Play Aviici really loud ( this helps me feel young and hip) en route to Folkestone where we are meeting the coach. The coach has been booked, as the academy feel this is an impressive way for us to arrive at Southend.
For those of you that know your geography or know where I live, you will already have realised I have driven back on myself to catch a coach that an hour later is going to drive past my house.
I did want to query this matter, but I have a tendency to want to control everything, so keep quiet. Be a passive parent I thought, well I would at least try.
We arrive in glorious Southend at 2.30pm, to what appears to be council managed pitches and a play park. Not quite the imagery I had in my head. This is possibly because on Monday we had an amazing experience of being invited to play at Tottenham's training ground, now that was jaw-dropping and very impressive. I did realise a second division football team would be different, but this?
Carrying our packed lunch in cool bag with ice packs, we cross the grass and head for the changing rooms...not a cafe in site. I am gasping for a latte or cappuccino and would possibly have settled for an instant in a polystyrene cup at this point.
Onwards we march to the roped off pitches in the far distance. The irony is our coach couldn't drop us near these pitches due to height restriction in the near by car park, so much for an impressive arrival!
The pitches are flat, well cut, no weeds. I have lawn envy....well a little.
I don't pretend to know much about football, I watch it regularly barely grasp the concept of off-side but feel I appreciate a good game. Sadly today I am watching our team play their worst football this season and heads drop, including mine.
Meanwhile to make matters worse my mobile is bleeping away. Texts from my estranged husband, who never usually makes any form of contact if he can help it. I squint in the sunshine and read, he is bemoaning having to pay his agreed monthly instalments this month. He feels after our last collaborative meeting he would be justified in reducing his outgoing costs, although nothing has been agreed. After yesterdays curve ball I am really not happy. I decide he is clearly bored at work, or his girlfriend is challenging his current position. God I hate her! And him! I don't remember him volunteering to spend the day going to Southend to watch football and he feels it's all about ME!
We eventually get home at 7.30pm, a nine and half hour day...was it worth it? NO.
Would I do it again, probably, 'cause that's what mummies do!
*********************************************************************************
Why are Mums so wonderful, I am biased of course but this is worth a watch. It is cheesy but who cares.
http://sftimes.co/?id=493&src=share_fb_new_493
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Walking on Glass
I need to vent and Facebook isn't the place...
Why?
This morning, early, as I walked across the kitchen floor I felt a stabbing pain in my foot. I immediately put my hand to my foot to find a small shard of glass and blood. The bin revealed a broken glass, obviously the remnants from that evening, I can only guess as he is still asleep ( and will be until 11am, unless disturbed!) it was J, the last one up last night.
A few things spring to mind as I play out the conversation in my head.
" J did you break a glass last night?"
Replies "Yes, I cleared it up"
"Did you check the floor thoroughly, vacuum and wash the floor, as glass gets everywhere?"
This will be the teenage clincher "No, as I didn't realise I needed too, no one told me!"
So here I am, single mummy of three, tired, warn out but deciding a Blog is what I need in my life.
Yesterday was an absolute bugger of a day, a truly 100% shit day.
Woke as usual, early, put on a wash, cleared the decks, ventured to Morrison's to buy croissants for my darlings as they are on holiday, got ready for work, answered emails, made a quick smoothie before heading out the door with youngest.
Holidays are wonderful things but childcare provisions are required for the youngest. He would of course love to hang out all day with his two older brothers, sitting in dressing gowns playing Fifa and eating but whilst I can hold this off, I will.
So he is out-sourced to a lovely friend and their farm, to enjoy the great outdoors. I am glad I can still influence him and he enjoys the simple things in life and playing.
After drop off I head to the office.
Lesson 1: Never, never give your Solicitor your work email address as a preference! Sitting in my inbox is the "day ruiner" the missed weekend email. Last week I thought the signing of the Court order / Consent forms was nearly there, bar a few areas to agree finite details but no my estranged husband has decided to throw a curve ball. I actually find I can't read the email properly, my blood is boiling and I am trying to take sharp in-takes of breath and my work colleague is trying to say something to me. I mutter yes under my breath hoping she hasn't noticed my sigh, my stillness and the drained look on my face.
I excuse myself from the office, on an errand and try to compose myself. I do manage this but played various scenarios through in my mind. Wrecking his house ( but it's my mothers!), slashing his tyres but the car is at his place of work, sending him a shitty text ( but he never replies), screaming. I do none of the above but manage to send an email to my solicitor and get on with my work.
I can honestly say, I felt like shit all day. I even forgot to have lunch, which is incredible. Ask anyone who knows me and they will agree! I thought I had all my emotions in check however the eczema across my eyes and forehead is possibly a little give-away. My stomach suffers too but I always think its something I ate. I constantly want to curl up and sleep but think its just tiredness but then listening to Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars on the Radio yesterday did it. I wept holding onto the worktop for support. The tears just shook me, why oh why is this so hard?
I am a mother of three boys, two currently studying for their GCSE's.
All three boys are very sporty and this requires lifts, energy and time to ensure all their needs are met
I work, admittedly only part-time but I work. Or should I say I go to paid work too!
I cook, I bake, I clean, I garden, I keep fit and active, I coach swimming.
I enjoy socialising
I have the boys 85.3% of the time!
The boys stay with their father every other weekend. It's not enough. In between he barely has contact, doesn't know what they are up to, isn't supportive of me ( well I guess that's one of the reasons we are apart and divorcing!) he plays at being a parent. He can't even commit to a holiday with the boys. He went away for two weeks over Christmas, unannounced until I forced him to tell the boys, he is away over Easter. He doesn't think the boys need supervising during holidays, as they can look after themselves!
So here I am being a mummy, a daddy, a carer, a disciplinarian, an organiser, the support system and the counsellor and in the meantime he is trying to squeeze me for more.
I digress, this all started with a piece of glass in my foot...........
Why?
This morning, early, as I walked across the kitchen floor I felt a stabbing pain in my foot. I immediately put my hand to my foot to find a small shard of glass and blood. The bin revealed a broken glass, obviously the remnants from that evening, I can only guess as he is still asleep ( and will be until 11am, unless disturbed!) it was J, the last one up last night.
A few things spring to mind as I play out the conversation in my head.
" J did you break a glass last night?"
Replies "Yes, I cleared it up"
"Did you check the floor thoroughly, vacuum and wash the floor, as glass gets everywhere?"
This will be the teenage clincher "No, as I didn't realise I needed too, no one told me!"
So here I am, single mummy of three, tired, warn out but deciding a Blog is what I need in my life.
Yesterday was an absolute bugger of a day, a truly 100% shit day.
Woke as usual, early, put on a wash, cleared the decks, ventured to Morrison's to buy croissants for my darlings as they are on holiday, got ready for work, answered emails, made a quick smoothie before heading out the door with youngest.
Holidays are wonderful things but childcare provisions are required for the youngest. He would of course love to hang out all day with his two older brothers, sitting in dressing gowns playing Fifa and eating but whilst I can hold this off, I will.
So he is out-sourced to a lovely friend and their farm, to enjoy the great outdoors. I am glad I can still influence him and he enjoys the simple things in life and playing.
After drop off I head to the office.
Lesson 1: Never, never give your Solicitor your work email address as a preference! Sitting in my inbox is the "day ruiner" the missed weekend email. Last week I thought the signing of the Court order / Consent forms was nearly there, bar a few areas to agree finite details but no my estranged husband has decided to throw a curve ball. I actually find I can't read the email properly, my blood is boiling and I am trying to take sharp in-takes of breath and my work colleague is trying to say something to me. I mutter yes under my breath hoping she hasn't noticed my sigh, my stillness and the drained look on my face.
I excuse myself from the office, on an errand and try to compose myself. I do manage this but played various scenarios through in my mind. Wrecking his house ( but it's my mothers!), slashing his tyres but the car is at his place of work, sending him a shitty text ( but he never replies), screaming. I do none of the above but manage to send an email to my solicitor and get on with my work.
I can honestly say, I felt like shit all day. I even forgot to have lunch, which is incredible. Ask anyone who knows me and they will agree! I thought I had all my emotions in check however the eczema across my eyes and forehead is possibly a little give-away. My stomach suffers too but I always think its something I ate. I constantly want to curl up and sleep but think its just tiredness but then listening to Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars on the Radio yesterday did it. I wept holding onto the worktop for support. The tears just shook me, why oh why is this so hard?
I am a mother of three boys, two currently studying for their GCSE's.
All three boys are very sporty and this requires lifts, energy and time to ensure all their needs are met
I work, admittedly only part-time but I work. Or should I say I go to paid work too!
I cook, I bake, I clean, I garden, I keep fit and active, I coach swimming.
I enjoy socialising
I have the boys 85.3% of the time!
The boys stay with their father every other weekend. It's not enough. In between he barely has contact, doesn't know what they are up to, isn't supportive of me ( well I guess that's one of the reasons we are apart and divorcing!) he plays at being a parent. He can't even commit to a holiday with the boys. He went away for two weeks over Christmas, unannounced until I forced him to tell the boys, he is away over Easter. He doesn't think the boys need supervising during holidays, as they can look after themselves!
So here I am being a mummy, a daddy, a carer, a disciplinarian, an organiser, the support system and the counsellor and in the meantime he is trying to squeeze me for more.
I digress, this all started with a piece of glass in my foot...........
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