I started painting the front of the house recently. I have managed to re-paint the front door and its surroundings a few weeks ago - and this weekend started to tackle the large bay window.
It is a sight to behold watching your neighbours scurrying past when they see you precariously balanced on a ladder painting and they don't want to catch your eye! Not all neighbours but just; 13, 17, 21, 15, 23 and 25, so nearly everyone! By coincidence everyone who put a comment on-line about the planning application.
Hold your head high, be proud of what you have said and believe, or alternatively hang your head low, look at the pavement and avoid. Pity we all live next door to one another and life is feeling so FUCKING awkward.
Meanwhile bang, bang, bang go the builders at No.15, it is almost a therapy of the worst possible kind. I can almost hear them saying "Look what we're doing you shithead, you'll never be able to hear this sound on your patch!". Get over it I say inwardly as today I feel much better than this time last week, and it's only been a week. Not bad, from slam dunk to recovery - I'll take it, as bruised souls can recover and move on; the question is, can the neighbours who made the comments?
Meanwhile my painting is coming along nicely - I think they call this creative therapy.
Tuesday, 13 September 2016
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Fuck me, one of out four
Four things loomed over me as September approached, I said in no particular order
Tom going to Uni
Planning appeal decision
Kickstarter
New job
Yesterday as I was sitting in a black cab with my little niece and nephew I checked my phone, and there was the long awaited email from my appeal officer.
Do you open it, or do you leave it? Do you think this could be the best bit of news I have heard all year, or do you think if I read it now how will I cope with the possible disappointment whilst sitting here without another adult around, and keep smiling.
I opened it. It was bad news, the worst possible outcome for me. I read it, I closed the email. I looked up at my four year nephew opposite me who was smiling from ear to ear looking out of the black cab window. This was his first time in a black cab and it turned out to be the highlight of our fun-packed day in London! I had just received the news I never wanted to receive, the gamble had not paid off, I had not won, I had lost. I had lost everything. And yet here was a little person smiling about passing buses and cars and waving at every passerby.
I am absolutely devastated, floored, emotionally empty and I now want to name those that have made my life so challenging to date.
The verdict is in, I must take it and deal with it. But I am truly and unreservedly very sad.
I won't be reaching for a handful of prescription pills, putting a gun to my head or tying a noose round my neck but I want to wallow in this great disappointment for a while. Because it has cost me dearly and in choosing my actions it has allowed others to show their colours, and the strength of feeling I have witnessed and been subjected to will not vanish from my mind for a long time.
I am suffering from the after-shock of an emotional kind. Yes self inflicted if some want to be more gruel but I followed a path and never expected to meet so much vindictive outpouring on my travels.
I have heard so much tripe over the years about how people perceive me.
I'm confident
I'm outgoing
I don't show my emotions enough
I'm dogmatic
I'm too enthusiastic
I'm competitive
I'm strong willed
But right now I'm none of those things, I am broken beyond anyones comprehension and hurt.
Oh yes I will move forward and life goes on. And I don't want to hear one word about how I will be alright, every fucking cloud has a silver lining and everything happens for a reason. Just sometimes life is FUCKING UNFAIR - and right now I don't want to DEAL WITH IT.
So my best possible way to pour out the madness that is whirring around in my head is to type. Type it all out.
Who are you?
To the residents of Stone Street Faversham in particular Helen Carr and Daniel Waller.
Your hate campaign which consisted of; laminated posters that adorned lamp posts, posts on Facebook, letters to all local residents one Sunday afternoon and local press campaign citing my proposed house would infringe on your privacy. Your actions and words will never be forgotten.
No 17- recent neighbour and so called friend of seven years. Your comments on-line and attendance at a local council meeting have made me question if you know what friendship truly is. Your rallying with neighbours even though you moved into the street some few months earlier and your supposed innocent actions have caused me so much heartache I can't even begin to tell you. My proposed house would not have affected you or the neighbours that complained. Ironically in April you submitted plans to improve your home and build an extension, this act has not been lost on me nor the hypocrisy of your actions.
No 15 - your comments on-line about the proposed build were personal, very personal, hurtful, vindictive and horrendous. You are an absolute bitch. Currently as I write I am listening to a nematic drill at your home removing tonnes of concrete as your extensive extension is being built off the back of your big house. However you are no where to be seen, as you are not being subjected to the noise, inconvenience or dust as you are currently residing in your other home!
No 21 - you have surpassed yourself with your comments. Again you cited personal reasons, and your comments have stung. I hadn't realised you had made comments on-line until much later in 2015 but it was after you and Barry had ignored me and not sent me a Christmas card that I thought something was a miss. Obviously you felt awkward about your comments, as you never accepted my invitation to chat or come and see the proposed plot. Twelve years we have been neighbours, just goes to show how easy it is to feel a lack of compassion for your neighbours.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee - Faversham Pools. Total hypocrites and two-faced shits. In November 2015 when you received notifications that a planning application for a house was being proposed in my garden, on seeing you at a business meeting you both said you wouldn't see any problems with it. I then said I had considered the plans to respect its position and closeness to the pool boundary, which you duly responded that you knew I would. Later you commented to the local press that the proposed house may affect children's health and safely and the comments " house suitable for a paedophile were mentioned!". R you later apologised to me and said you meant no offence and the words were put into your mouth by the press but I noted you were happy to pose for a picture! R - after teaching your children to swim over the years and counting you as a friend, I now see your head dips when you see me, well I can well see why. Oh yes and while I remember, as Manager of Faversham pools you allowed the committee to convince you (apparently) that is was within the publics interest to read about the proposed house build whilst visiting the pools. Nine lamented posters were fixed to walls, doors and in the changing room area and one in reception. The receptionist accosted all visitors and invited them to make comments on-line.
I worked for years as a volunteer teaching swimming at Faversham Pools - just goes to show you can't trust anyone these days!
Chairman of Faversham Pools Committee. You are a spineless man. You allowed the laminated posters to be placed in the pool premises. They intimidated me and my family, they were aimed at causing panic and encouraged people to make negative comments. When I challenged you and said how hurtful your hate campaign was you then apologised and said it wasn't meant to upset. Really, what was its intent then?
Swale Planning officers - you mislead me, you lied and cost me dearly. I hate you all from the bottom of my heart for what I have been put through. This whole process started four years ago with a question and a visit to the site by an officer. The comments led to a submission of pre-plan which we worked on together for two years, it then led to us submitting a plan and the rest is history. Your lack of consistency, understanding of the planning process, the stress it causes and actual costs to others financially and emotionally is frightening. I have suffered because of a broken system that should be fixed.
So here I am.
Living in the heart of a town I had for years held so dear but right now in this very moment it is the town that has residents that made a process extremely painful, personal, malicious and unkind. They have won, and in the aftermath I lick my wounds and look around and now hold a dislike for the town, many of its residents and realise I am out of my league.
I don't fit in and I want to leave.
This is one of the posters that adorned Cross Lane earlier in the year. The picture of the proposed house outsized, and the posters were put in public places to incite fear and concerns. However it matters not anymore my planning application is now over.
I would just like to mention the posters were vicious and I hated walking to work and seeing them.
Tom going to Uni
Planning appeal decision
Kickstarter
New job
Yesterday as I was sitting in a black cab with my little niece and nephew I checked my phone, and there was the long awaited email from my appeal officer.
Do you open it, or do you leave it? Do you think this could be the best bit of news I have heard all year, or do you think if I read it now how will I cope with the possible disappointment whilst sitting here without another adult around, and keep smiling.
I opened it. It was bad news, the worst possible outcome for me. I read it, I closed the email. I looked up at my four year nephew opposite me who was smiling from ear to ear looking out of the black cab window. This was his first time in a black cab and it turned out to be the highlight of our fun-packed day in London! I had just received the news I never wanted to receive, the gamble had not paid off, I had not won, I had lost. I had lost everything. And yet here was a little person smiling about passing buses and cars and waving at every passerby.
I am absolutely devastated, floored, emotionally empty and I now want to name those that have made my life so challenging to date.
The verdict is in, I must take it and deal with it. But I am truly and unreservedly very sad.
I won't be reaching for a handful of prescription pills, putting a gun to my head or tying a noose round my neck but I want to wallow in this great disappointment for a while. Because it has cost me dearly and in choosing my actions it has allowed others to show their colours, and the strength of feeling I have witnessed and been subjected to will not vanish from my mind for a long time.
I am suffering from the after-shock of an emotional kind. Yes self inflicted if some want to be more gruel but I followed a path and never expected to meet so much vindictive outpouring on my travels.
I have heard so much tripe over the years about how people perceive me.
I'm confident
I'm outgoing
I don't show my emotions enough
I'm dogmatic
I'm too enthusiastic
I'm competitive
I'm strong willed
But right now I'm none of those things, I am broken beyond anyones comprehension and hurt.
Oh yes I will move forward and life goes on. And I don't want to hear one word about how I will be alright, every fucking cloud has a silver lining and everything happens for a reason. Just sometimes life is FUCKING UNFAIR - and right now I don't want to DEAL WITH IT.
So my best possible way to pour out the madness that is whirring around in my head is to type. Type it all out.
Who are you?
To the residents of Stone Street Faversham in particular Helen Carr and Daniel Waller.
Your hate campaign which consisted of; laminated posters that adorned lamp posts, posts on Facebook, letters to all local residents one Sunday afternoon and local press campaign citing my proposed house would infringe on your privacy. Your actions and words will never be forgotten.
No 17- recent neighbour and so called friend of seven years. Your comments on-line and attendance at a local council meeting have made me question if you know what friendship truly is. Your rallying with neighbours even though you moved into the street some few months earlier and your supposed innocent actions have caused me so much heartache I can't even begin to tell you. My proposed house would not have affected you or the neighbours that complained. Ironically in April you submitted plans to improve your home and build an extension, this act has not been lost on me nor the hypocrisy of your actions.
No 15 - your comments on-line about the proposed build were personal, very personal, hurtful, vindictive and horrendous. You are an absolute bitch. Currently as I write I am listening to a nematic drill at your home removing tonnes of concrete as your extensive extension is being built off the back of your big house. However you are no where to be seen, as you are not being subjected to the noise, inconvenience or dust as you are currently residing in your other home!
No 21 - you have surpassed yourself with your comments. Again you cited personal reasons, and your comments have stung. I hadn't realised you had made comments on-line until much later in 2015 but it was after you and Barry had ignored me and not sent me a Christmas card that I thought something was a miss. Obviously you felt awkward about your comments, as you never accepted my invitation to chat or come and see the proposed plot. Twelve years we have been neighbours, just goes to show how easy it is to feel a lack of compassion for your neighbours.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee - Faversham Pools. Total hypocrites and two-faced shits. In November 2015 when you received notifications that a planning application for a house was being proposed in my garden, on seeing you at a business meeting you both said you wouldn't see any problems with it. I then said I had considered the plans to respect its position and closeness to the pool boundary, which you duly responded that you knew I would. Later you commented to the local press that the proposed house may affect children's health and safely and the comments " house suitable for a paedophile were mentioned!". R you later apologised to me and said you meant no offence and the words were put into your mouth by the press but I noted you were happy to pose for a picture! R - after teaching your children to swim over the years and counting you as a friend, I now see your head dips when you see me, well I can well see why. Oh yes and while I remember, as Manager of Faversham pools you allowed the committee to convince you (apparently) that is was within the publics interest to read about the proposed house build whilst visiting the pools. Nine lamented posters were fixed to walls, doors and in the changing room area and one in reception. The receptionist accosted all visitors and invited them to make comments on-line.
I worked for years as a volunteer teaching swimming at Faversham Pools - just goes to show you can't trust anyone these days!
Chairman of Faversham Pools Committee. You are a spineless man. You allowed the laminated posters to be placed in the pool premises. They intimidated me and my family, they were aimed at causing panic and encouraged people to make negative comments. When I challenged you and said how hurtful your hate campaign was you then apologised and said it wasn't meant to upset. Really, what was its intent then?
Swale Planning officers - you mislead me, you lied and cost me dearly. I hate you all from the bottom of my heart for what I have been put through. This whole process started four years ago with a question and a visit to the site by an officer. The comments led to a submission of pre-plan which we worked on together for two years, it then led to us submitting a plan and the rest is history. Your lack of consistency, understanding of the planning process, the stress it causes and actual costs to others financially and emotionally is frightening. I have suffered because of a broken system that should be fixed.
So here I am.
Living in the heart of a town I had for years held so dear but right now in this very moment it is the town that has residents that made a process extremely painful, personal, malicious and unkind. They have won, and in the aftermath I lick my wounds and look around and now hold a dislike for the town, many of its residents and realise I am out of my league.
I don't fit in and I want to leave.
This is one of the posters that adorned Cross Lane earlier in the year. The picture of the proposed house outsized, and the posters were put in public places to incite fear and concerns. However it matters not anymore my planning application is now over.
I would just like to mention the posters were vicious and I hated walking to work and seeing them.
Sunday, 4 September 2016
With age comes death
This year has without fail been about death. Death of those we know through fame and those who we have known as friends, family and acquaintances. Never has one year been so dramatically associated with death, and in a way that affects so many.
Obviously people are dying daily but this year really has been awful.
I'm useless at consoling or knowing what to say, mainly because I can't bear to think of others pain, loss and equally hate to sound so insincere in the words repeated by so many at a time of bereavement.
I hate the Facebook announcements where your comments during a time of bereavement are in the public domain and sometimes it appears as if everyone is trying to out do each other with their heartfelt condolences in the comments section of the post on Facebook. I have never been one for public displays of affection or emotion (much to my friends and Andrew's amusement) but I am absolutely genuine in my feelings for others, especially during the grieving process. I just can't do this public weeping and wailing. Grief and reflection is very personal. I have found and noted over the years some people thrive off others grief, almost like the grim reapers of other people lives and misfortunes in their search for being centre stage of the drama, they feel they can be the saviour and bearer of the true grief and situation.
Whatever the sadness and loss it does rather remind one constantly of the importance of family, friends, and the fact life is so very precious. And of course, ensuring your Will is sorted!
A family Will presented to me some five years ago has provided much heart-ache, disappointment and frustration to me personally. My late grandfather hand wrote his Will on lined A4 paper, and over a period of years got it witnessed. This handwritten Will did not later withstand the vultures who chose to challenge it. I was to be one of the main benefactors, and an inheritance that would have helped me considerably in my life. Not changed my life but definitely helped.
Money doesn't make you happy but my goodness it can certainly make your life a little easier, allow you to make choices and lighten the load.
Obviously people are dying daily but this year really has been awful.
I'm useless at consoling or knowing what to say, mainly because I can't bear to think of others pain, loss and equally hate to sound so insincere in the words repeated by so many at a time of bereavement.
I hate the Facebook announcements where your comments during a time of bereavement are in the public domain and sometimes it appears as if everyone is trying to out do each other with their heartfelt condolences in the comments section of the post on Facebook. I have never been one for public displays of affection or emotion (much to my friends and Andrew's amusement) but I am absolutely genuine in my feelings for others, especially during the grieving process. I just can't do this public weeping and wailing. Grief and reflection is very personal. I have found and noted over the years some people thrive off others grief, almost like the grim reapers of other people lives and misfortunes in their search for being centre stage of the drama, they feel they can be the saviour and bearer of the true grief and situation.
Whatever the sadness and loss it does rather remind one constantly of the importance of family, friends, and the fact life is so very precious. And of course, ensuring your Will is sorted!
A family Will presented to me some five years ago has provided much heart-ache, disappointment and frustration to me personally. My late grandfather hand wrote his Will on lined A4 paper, and over a period of years got it witnessed. This handwritten Will did not later withstand the vultures who chose to challenge it. I was to be one of the main benefactors, and an inheritance that would have helped me considerably in my life. Not changed my life but definitely helped.
Money doesn't make you happy but my goodness it can certainly make your life a little easier, allow you to make choices and lighten the load.
Surplus to requirements
When your children are little you feel completely overwhelmed with their constant demands, sleepless nights, tantrums, battles over toys, food, bath-time and bedtime. And you crave your own time, space and little bit of peace and then quite suddenly you find you have that haven but you don't actually know when it arrived, if you like it or what to do with it.
As your children grow the battles change, your role evolves and with it you can suddenly find you have become a bystander to their world. A necessary requirement at times but not a constant. A lift to a sporting event or training, the washing lady, the provider of a fridge filled with suitable healthy snacks as family meal times become more adhoc and scheduled around commitments. Family outings a thing of the past, the cool-box hardly used during the summer holidays whereas in the past it was daily requirement to any fun-filled family day out.
This summer has been my first experience of standby mummy, and I have to say it has been strange. I am not sure I have found my equilibrium. I recognise I have my own interests, friends, hobbies, sport and life but I hadn't anticipated the emptiness this summer, and I am not sure I have made the most of it. It has rather left me in limbo at times. Last night a friend chatted to me about her strange summer and changing relationship with her 15 year old daughter, and her realisation that her role was now different from what has been required in the past, and how she felt a little sad and lost. It was at this moment I understood this feeling of letting our children grow can leave us feeling quite unsure of our new role too and with that feeling there is also a little grieving for the past.
On Wednesday it is back to school and the madness of the routine and shock to the system of early morning starts, homework, exams and pressure. And once more my mummy role resumes; the person who keeps all on track, everyone fed, watered, in clean clothes and motivated through all the trials and tribulations. And on occasion takes phone calls from the school about inappropriate behaviour, and then this mummy really kicks into action!
As your children grow the battles change, your role evolves and with it you can suddenly find you have become a bystander to their world. A necessary requirement at times but not a constant. A lift to a sporting event or training, the washing lady, the provider of a fridge filled with suitable healthy snacks as family meal times become more adhoc and scheduled around commitments. Family outings a thing of the past, the cool-box hardly used during the summer holidays whereas in the past it was daily requirement to any fun-filled family day out.
This summer has been my first experience of standby mummy, and I have to say it has been strange. I am not sure I have found my equilibrium. I recognise I have my own interests, friends, hobbies, sport and life but I hadn't anticipated the emptiness this summer, and I am not sure I have made the most of it. It has rather left me in limbo at times. Last night a friend chatted to me about her strange summer and changing relationship with her 15 year old daughter, and her realisation that her role was now different from what has been required in the past, and how she felt a little sad and lost. It was at this moment I understood this feeling of letting our children grow can leave us feeling quite unsure of our new role too and with that feeling there is also a little grieving for the past.
On Wednesday it is back to school and the madness of the routine and shock to the system of early morning starts, homework, exams and pressure. And once more my mummy role resumes; the person who keeps all on track, everyone fed, watered, in clean clothes and motivated through all the trials and tribulations. And on occasion takes phone calls from the school about inappropriate behaviour, and then this mummy really kicks into action!
Friday, 2 September 2016
End of the holidays
Can't quite believe that what appeared to be endless weeks of summer school holidays are now about to end.
It has been quite a journey of emotions, turmoil, fun, trials and tribulations.
Tom is off to uni on the 14th September, the first to fly the nest. I hadn't thought it would feel this emotional but I am normal and I am feeling quite reflective. What a great sense of relief that your son has managed to obtain results that enable him to make choices and study his chosen subject. Then utter relief that all will be fine. Then the mummy concerns creep in; will he really be ok, will he settle in, will he be happy.
Four big things are looming large
In no particular order
Kickstarter
Uni for Tom
Planning appeal decision
New job opportunity for me
Bouncing into September with renewed optimism and of course the usual niggles of 'What If' - but then would I be normal if I wasn't wondering, thinking, worrying just a little?
It has been quite a journey of emotions, turmoil, fun, trials and tribulations.
Tom is off to uni on the 14th September, the first to fly the nest. I hadn't thought it would feel this emotional but I am normal and I am feeling quite reflective. What a great sense of relief that your son has managed to obtain results that enable him to make choices and study his chosen subject. Then utter relief that all will be fine. Then the mummy concerns creep in; will he really be ok, will he settle in, will he be happy.
Four big things are looming large
In no particular order
Kickstarter
Uni for Tom
Planning appeal decision
New job opportunity for me
Bouncing into September with renewed optimism and of course the usual niggles of 'What If' - but then would I be normal if I wasn't wondering, thinking, worrying just a little?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)