I have a very strange relationship with my father. He lives in Malaysia, and once a year he usually makes a trip to the UK. This trip normally coincides with the annual stamp fair in Dublin or the stamp collectors AGM, whatever that is. He usually makes time to see us, that's my brother and me and the five grandchildren. We are normally allocated two days in total.
This year he said that he would possibly come to the UK in August with his wife (who apparently hates travelling) and stay in a hotel in London and we could all meet up.
I hadn't heard from him for a while so sent a What's App this weekend asking if he had made plans for his trip.
No, he hadn't, they weren't coming to the UK this year, far too busy. Apparently they have just bought another condo in KL that needs work, and he's busy learning his Californian highway code.
Interesting, it appears the condo is smaller than their current home and has been purchased in readiness for them to downsize when the dogs die ( planning ahead, as dogs are apparently fine at the moment!) and California is on the agenda. My step sister has bought them a house in San Jose, and they plan to spend time there during the coming years.
I read recently that families that refer to each other as step and half are not embracing the true meaning of family. Well for the record I use the term step, as it conjures up a divided and disjoined family unit. Which we are.
Now on hearing this news I was rather shocked. We have never get invited to Malaysia for a holiday. I did take the boys once for a week in 2011, just before I was about to split from my husband and it was actually really great to spend time with my dad and his wife Noel. My dad for the first time in my life seemed to relate to my impending dilemma and heartache. We had a great time in Malaysia, the boys were impeccably behaved and it was a success. So I was told by my father and Noel and so I thought. I think they were genuinely surprised how independent we all were, easy to amuse and happy to be out and about, using public transport and exploring.
I recently mentioned to my father that we would happily visit him in Malaysia as I know travelling when you get older can be rather difficult, and he struggles with his mobility at times. He said Noel was now quite neurotic and didn't like visitors, and despite having a full time maid it caused undue stress. I was rather put out and said he should tell her that we are his family. I also thought he could arrange for alternative accommodation for us, if he really wanted to see us but didn't verbalise this. He said he found it hard with Noel too but managed to cope. Personally I think neither of them have enough to do all day except bemoan the poor Philippine maid, who is worked so hard and probably never does anything quite right.
How different can parents be? I have a mother who would do anything for her two children and grandchildren and cherishes time together and a father who does not.
We have had our differences over the years, I can't say I like him too much. I try, I've even had counselling but it comes down to the same thing every time. How can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care about you.
We don't get birthday cards, Christmas cards or presents. We get an annual visit if we're lucky, and little dialogue.
And now I learn he favours time nearer his other daughter ( he adopted her ) my step-sister who I despise.
I despise her for lots of reasons but one event in particular. Many years ago she invited me to her wedding dinner, which turned out to be a lie. She was apparently having a full traditional wedding in Malaysia with her fiancé Andy (a Malaysian) and this was a UK pre-ample with just the registry office ( done earlier in the day) and a meal with a few family and friends. We weren't invited to Malaysia for her apparent big wedding but I wouldn't have expected to be, as our relationship even then was disjointed and very ill at ease. We were told Andy and her had been married earlier at the Registry office but this later turned out to be untrue. We were also requested to buy John Lewis vouchers, which were never returned after the truth came out, and Andy and Grace never married and soon split up. My dad was part of the whole conspiracy at the time too. There's even more to the story but as you see, it's all a bit crazy.
My dislike for Grace also stems back to the time when I was 17 and had just I learned my mother and father were separating. Grace was thrust at me in my then family home and I was supposed to like her. Meanwhile I had just heard that the reason my parents were separating was because her mother and my father had an affair. Plus to add to the injury at the time, the rumour in Hong Kong was that Noel, Grace's mother was a prostitute. Can you imagine all this shit flying about, and knowing my mother was back in the UK weeping having fled from Hong Kong with little of her belongings. We were fresh out of boarding school in the UK, greeted with the separation news, and days later packed off to HK as usual with our mother saying "you'll be fine darlings, go and enjoy the holidays with your dad!".
Over the years I have learnt to get along with Noel, and even enjoy her company. Age has mellowed me. But not Grace, forever the clever achieving girl, who's success is rubbed into my very being whenever my dad can. And now she's bought him a house. Well strike me down, isn't he lucky.
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